We are powerful creators!

 

For a few years I have taken issue with the theory around the Law of Attraction because it feels like something is missing and there is a lot of spiritual bypassing in it.

The other day I heard a quote that has me pondering if this is part of what is missing.  It goes something like this,  Everything you are experiencing now is because of what you asked for.  To me that is different than thoughts become things. Here is why…

A few days before I heard that quote I wrote this question in my journal ” why would someone create the experience of having 3 heart attacks in ten months ” which I had done.  Some people told me it meant something was wrong with my thinking. Others often solutions of food and supplements I might try. Others just felt sorry for me.

Then I heard the quote Everything you are experiencing now is because of what you asked for.  It’s like the concept of sending out rockets of desire but it landed differently inside of me.

On March 8 2016 I did a ritual on the Eclipse, which astrologically was a powerful one for me.  Two of the things I asked for were Supreme Health and Wellness and a conscious partnership.

On March 20, 2016, the Spring Equinox, I had the first heart attack.

One of the things I learned early in this heart journey is that my heart was shut down because of earlier life trauma. Trauma I had worked on many times over the years. What remained was hidden from me at the cellular level.

Cellular memory is hard to reach. Which meant it was pretty much impossible for me to have supreme health and a conscious partnership.  My desire for both was strong and the universe was listening and took the most efficient way to open my heart…heart attacks.

This is a different twist on the Law of Attraction where thoughts become things. I wasn’t thinking about having heart attacks. I was thinking quite the opposite. It was confusing because simplistically the Law of Attraction says, negative thoughts become negative things and positive thoughts become positive things.

Accordingly id something bad happens you created it by what you were thinking. There is a lot of shame in that.

If my positive intentions to have supreme health and wellness and a conscious partnership created three heart attacks because that was the pathway to get there, that’s a great thing! It’s nothing to be ashamed of. The universe chose the most effective and efficient way to clean up and clear out what wasn’t in alignment with my intentions.

AND now I am in a space where I can magnetize them because my heart is open and returning to wellness!

It Takes a Village

Feelings and emotions serve a purpose.

As far as I am concerned feeling what you feel and expressing that is key to healing.  That includes all of the feelings and especially when dealing with life threatening illness such as a heart attack.

Statues quo says talk about the successes and keep the challenges to your self.  Don’t think negative thoughts about what is going on or you will create more of that. We love to hear that our friend who has cancer has blood counts improving or they are gaining weight. Or our friend with a broken leg just got their cast off. All of that is awesome!

We can get behind progress and cheer our friends on!

It is harder to hear about the challenges. People who are sick know that, so they do share and often they suffer in silence and when the pain gets so bad they stuff the feelings away. When they need support the most they shrink away from it to protect people’s feelings.  We NEED to express this stuff too, and we need to feel heard and held.  Express and it will move through you.

We fear that people will think less of us if we express negative feelings!  That is very sad to me.

Behind the scenes I have felt fear, anger, depression, betrayed and all sorts of feelings mixed together. I know that hiding them is not healing for me.

Those who have been with me on this heart journey from the beginning know that I made a commitment to share it all. The good, bad and ugly. My purpose in doing that was to normalize the process. To help others know they are not alone. To give people permission, if you will, not to suffer in silence. I share this process in totality because I know that it works because I have done it before.

In share my healing process I have discovered where my real support is and that has healed me. I was surprised to discover which people dropped out of sight as soon as I got sick.  People who I had always supported stopped talking to me.   I have grown through my transparency which hasn’t always been easy.  People misunderstand what I am doing, some get uncomfortable, some can support in easy, gentle ways and it is my hope that I have role modeled another way to come back to wholeness.

It takes a village…thanks for being mine

 

It is almost like having PTSD

Having been a psychologist for 26 years I was able to watch myself cycle through what felt like a mini episode of PTSD ( Posttraumatic Stress Disorder) after I had the heart attack.

I remember my original thought was, Oh My God, my life is going to be shorter than I expected it to be and I feel like I have so much to do.   As you read in my article about the medical spell,  I went through a period of about a week where all I could think about what dying, death, what it was like to die, where would I go, and not wanting to die.  I was in a spin that I couldn’t get out of for days.

This lead to anxiety and worrying about every little pain I had in my chest.  I was told by the doctors to take every chest pain seriously and call the doctor, but that seemed like an over reaction.  I became hypersensitive to my body.  Chest pains got serious enough on two occasions to land me in the ER, once by ambulance and the other ended up with me staying overnight.  None of the pains felt like the original pain I had when I had the heart attack so I felt silly even being their.  The second ER visit for chest pain happened at 4 AM.  The pain started the day before and I was just hoping it would go away.  It ran down the front of my chest along my esophagus to the end of my sternum.  It felt like what you would imagine a heart attack would feel like.  I went to bed that night thinking it would be gone in the morning but at 4 AM it was worse.  I called 911 and took a ride to the hospital…again!   It turned out to be esophagitis which is a painful inflammation of the lining of the esophagus, caused by one of the drugs I was taking.

“Medical events such as a diagnosis of cancer,  a stroke or heart attack can convince people that  their life will be shorter than they had thought just before the event. But lives being changed by a medical event is qualitatively different from veterans’ sense of being changed forever by the degradation and dehumanization they faced at the hands of their captors or for a rape victim, at the hands of a rapist, which are usually the people who are diagnosed with PTSD.

People who have just suffered a life threatening medical event are understandably upset immediately afterwards. Vigilance and hypersensitivity to bodily sensations may be quite appropriate and adaptive responses. Some of these bodily sensations are novel and threatening, having had their onset with the medical event. Or they could be signs that they need to promptly seek medical attention. Ignoring them could be difficult in light of the life threatening event.”  From But it’s not PTSD

I didn’t know what to ignore and what to pay attention to.  I am still not sure, especially since I came down with a bronchial infection and was coughing for over a week.  I had this many times in the past and yet I couldn’t remember now what it felt like, in light of having a heart attack.  Where my chest pains from the cough or were they from my heart?

“Over time, most persons having had a medical event will adjust. Their initial emotional reaction subsides, even if bouts of anxiety, as well as realistic concerns and self-monitoring continue. Distinguishing normal from abnormal may make sense in the abstract, but there are sometimes challenges deciding between normal reactions and abnormal reactions warranting mental health interventions. Professionals do not wish to leave persistent and debilitating psychological reactions unaddressed, especially if they would respond to treatment. Yet, there is also a wish to avoid turning normal reactions into a mental disorder or for mental health professionals to interfere with the normal reactions in ways that might be counterproductive and even harmful.”  From But it’s not PTSD

I realized by the sixth week, in a series of weeks where I not only had a heart attack but 10 other stress producing events that I was depressed.  I do not get depressed so this was new to me.  I was exhausted, didn’t have any motivation, my appetite was gone and could barely navigate.  So was this PTSD or just a natural reaction to a life threatening incident?

“A team of Columbia University investigators seem to be going down the same path as psycho-oncology researchers did, but for cardiovascular events such as acute coronary syndrome (myocardial infarction or angina), transient ischemic attack (TIA), and stroke. These investigators recently published an article in PLOS One that they have followed up with a press release and television and radio interviews declaring cardiac events to be commonly associated with PTSD.  They call for resources for routine screening of cardiac patients and for their research program.” from But it’s Not PTSD

Take a look at the article to see the results of the investigation.

Personally I feel that it is important for hospital staff to be aware of this possibility, to prepare patients about what to expect and to be conscious about the possibility that patients will experience some level of stress due to the trauma of going through a life threatening event.  In my experience those things were not address.