It’s Easier to Hide than be Seen.

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The way I have chosen to use Facebook is to allow people to watch my inner process as it unfolds, uncensored. This is unprecedented work because people don’t do this sort of thing on social media. They probably do do it in real life either.   It’s easier to look like you are all together and positive all of the time. I don’t know about you but I am not always positive and upbeat. I like to think I am a balance of both. Sounds human to me.

I have been called to do it differently. The books I write and what I share on social media are real, authentic, raw life as it unfolds. It makes some uncomfortable and others feel the connection to something in them.

I am living a human experience just like the rest of the humans on the planet. Some can relate to something I say or feel because we all feel these feelings at times in our lives. I am just saying it out loud. It’s through our openness, rawness and realness that we heal, not only ourselves but those watching who can take it in.

The problem in this kind of sharing is it is subject to interpretation which may or may not be accurate. People might think I am falling apart when I am not. People might thing I am broken when I am not. The interpretation is based on individual filters.  I am okay with that. If someone thinks I am crazy, oh well…

Vulnerability hasn’t always been easy for me. Trust me when I say it has taken 30 years of deep inner work to feel comfortable letting people see me when things might not be so great. One has to be comfortable with what is happening before they can say it out loud to other people. Shame, embarrassment and fear of judgment usually stop us from being authentic. I had to work through all of that.

I am on the planet to help empower others. I do that by sharing who I am. By sharing my struggles and my victories and by normalizing the whole human experience. It’s okay not to be okay all of the time. It doesn’t take away from your value. In fact being vulnerable increases our sense of love and belonging.

Sacred Garden

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I woke up at 3 am with the words “Fertile Loam” in my head. It reminded me of another painting I did at around the same time as the one I posted yesterday. I love how my paintings continue to speak to me. This one was painting 18 years ago when it was speaking to me about something else and now it is informing my present moment.

This one is called Sacred Garden. It is a reflection of the beauty that can come from the compost of our lives. You can see the decay and also the beauty that is growing from it. The decay is as important to the process as the flowers.

I feel like I have been in the composting phase of my life. A lot of what wasn’t serving me has turned to decaying organic material that can nourish the new seeds that I want to plant. This part of the process isn’t fun. It’s tumors, heart issues, financial difficulties, the stuff of my life right now. The things that are going into the soil to make it fertile for new growth.

Thinking about the new seeds I want to plant in my life’s garden and what they will grow into is fun. What are those seeds and how do I define them so they can come into my reality?

Can you relate to this process ?

Look out…I’m in a Mood

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I am in a mood…not a bad mood but a real mood.

Wow, I just scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook and so much ‘we create our own reality, and this is all happening to make you a better person’, and that kind of thing. No offense to anyone because I think that way too.

I get it… but sometimes reality sucks. It really does!

Right now I am thinking that being grateful and holding a positive intention when life looks the complete opposite might just be a way of bypassing reality. I have done it for a while waiting for a shift. Yes I see increments of change but not enough and not fast enough.

I am in the muck for some reason and it’s real. I am just looking at it objectively and wondering what to do with it. I have felt all the feelings, I have combed through my inner landscape for clues and gems, and treasures and I have found the real me. Today the dust has settled and I am wondering what is this stuff called my life and what am I supposed to do with it?

I have gone through almost 3 years of challenge with my heart, breaking open, healing, breaking open and healing again. Now to have to deal with a renegade parathyroid. To top it off all of this has left me in a challenging place financially. In physical reality each one of those things would be a challenge all by itself!  I actually don’t know how I have done it for almost three years.

So the muck is real. I know lotuses grow out of the muck and mud and become beautiful flowers. I am just not there today! Right now I see mud!

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I painted this mood years ago. It’s a familiar place. The painting is called “ The Cauldron of Creativity “. I don’t know if she is sinking in or rising up.

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Sound and Light Healing

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I wasn’t expecting that the Light/sound on my head and heart and scar treatment would bring up emotions. What was I thinking…of course it would. I have been sad and weepy since I woke up this morning.

Scar tissue holds trauma and it often doesn’t get released because it doesn’t get the attention it needs to break up the blocked energy.

Sound and light are quantum energy that gets down to the cellular level where emotions often get trapped an helps them release.

My heart will be amazing when this work is done. And there will be no reason for a parathyroid tumor to hide out behind it any more.

Until then it’s not always easy.

I have been painting all afternoon too. Working on the painting journal for integration.  This is two paintings from it. This is also helping me release.

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What’s in a Name?

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22 years ago today I legally changed my name. I picked both a new first name and a new second name. Katelyn Mariah. I really don’t have a last name but the government insisted that I had a last name so that had to be Mariah, though I’m really not Ms. Mariah. I am Katelyn Mariah, which means Pure Wind.

When you change your name your life changes. Your name has a frequency and vibration and there is a color and tone assigned to each letter and your name as a whole. The numerology has change. So when people say your name to you, you are hearing a new vibration and frequency and over time it changes you. You become a new person.

It’s important to give it a lot of thought before changing your name because it changes everything.

I remember that process taking three years and it wasn’t easy because everything that didn’t align with the new frequency had to drop away.

The interesting thing that happened to me was the day I changed my name no one called me by my old name again. Not my family, friends or even my coworkers. I had chosen the right name and everyone knew it.

 

I Don’t Know…

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I was talking to my son last night telling him about the new Naturopath I am working with and how she believes we can get rid of the tumor. He said something like “ how is that possible?” and I said “I don’t know, but I believe it”.

I have been living in the “I don’t know “ for the last 3 months. I have no Idea how the tumor will go away but I believe it will. Not knowing how is the magical space where the unexpected can happen. It’s an expansive place where possibilities that we never thought of can pop in. It’s not easy living in “I don’t know “ but it gets easier with practice.

I use my heart and intuition to take the next step. If I find resonance I move in that direction. When I had open heart surgery my heart said it was the best choice for me. I followed that. It was the right thing to do.

I don’t get that sense about the current surgery. Not because I am afraid but because I don’t feel resonance. People have said, just have it done, and that doesn’t feel right to me. I feel resonance with trying other things to solve the problem. I believe that if surgery is the only option my heart will tell me.

The heart is the best navigation system.

The Impossible is Possible!

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I had been in an interesting limbo since I found out the tumor was still there. I wasn’t thinking about if it would go away or if I would need surgery. I was prepared for both in a way. I even sent my scan to a doctor at Mayo, who hasn’t got back to me yet.

I was in acceptance. Which is where I needed to be. It allowed me to go deeper within and discover even more gems. My treasure chest is getting quite full. 💎💎💎💎💎

Now I am back too believing it’s gone and all of the work I have done was laying the foundation for that to happen. I now have the support of someone who is in alignment with what I believe to assist me.

I know that my art was telling the future not the present.

Diving Deeper

When I saw the scan and the tumor was still there, I knew there was more of myself to discover. The first set of paintings took me to a certain level but I realized I needed to go deeper. One painting in particular lead the way.

So I got a blank journal and started to paint again. I have painted 38 pages. I chose painting because it is a non-linear form of communication where Spirit speaks directly to me in a language I understand at a deep level.

This first painting is the door to my heart. I opened it over the last 2 1/2 years and now I am painting what it has to share with me. I am listening and following the thread…and that is how I heal.