I Was Afraid to Look Back!


I sat in the audience near the back of the room, transfixed, as the man in front of the room talked about the powerful art on easels in front of him.  What he was saying shocked me and I could hardly take it in.  He talked about how each image pulled together symbolism from all different cultures around the world into a cohesive whole.

It wasn’t until he said ” and therefore, I am extremely privileged to be here to be more or less the official midwife to announce to the world that this is not just an artist- Katelyn is an initiate of consciousness”, that I went into complete shock and shut down, as the entire room turned toward where I was sitting, stood and began to clap.

The world at that moment was surreal.

I was rushed to the front of the room where I stood paralyzed as people asked me how I did this, what was my process, what did I do to prepare.  I couldn’t speak.

I didn’t do anything special, I just listened to the promptings of my soul and painted pictures of what I was shown.  Images that came so fast and furious for two months that I couldn’t capture them all. I listened and I painted. I painted 44 images in all.

I met Ron Mangravite in 1996, at a spiritual salon that my friend Dr. Jan Adams held in her home once a month.  I happened to bring my paintings with me to the salon and as I sat next to Ron, showing him the images he started saying things about them and their connections to different cultures and mythology and symbolism.  I looked at him and told him I didn’t know what he was talking about.  He told me he thought I had years of study in mythology and ancient symbolism and was surprised when I said no.

After a visit to a friend she decided to help me make the images into a meditation deck and “Awaken the Goddess Meditation Deck” was born.  Ron had told me that if we ever had an art show with my art he wanted to be there to talk about the images.  I had no idea what he would say about my paintings but we invited him to speak at the launch party for the deck.  There were about 100 people in the room.  Everything change for me that night.  Someone spoke the truth about who I was and it scared me to death!

In attempting to find her identity, which is the Goddess, and find ways she could manifest, she apparently went down deep enough to get totally past Katelyn, to get totally past everything but her femininity, because these images are the Goddess.  Katelyn dug down deep enough to get past anything that is the person and found real legitimate expressions that came from such a mixed bag of a culture that it would be very difficult for her to have truly cheated.  She does not know that some of these symbols are Babylonian, Sumerian, Chinese, and Welsh.  She cold not possibly known without at least 10 or 15 years of study.  She could not have made this mixed bag up by faking it.  It has to come from someplace very real. Ron Mangravite


Ron had a mystery school where he taught about occult mysteries and many of his students were in the room.  Some of them were friends of mine.  Other people in the room were friends, family and my two children.  The experience freaked me out.

It didn’t stop me from painting at first.  I painted my impressions of the balance between the masculine and feminine that came through my soul.  There were more then 66 of them.  I met with Ron the next time he was in town and we looked at my art and once again he told me all of the symbolism that he was seeing in my new paintings.  I really couldn’t get my mind around it.  During that meeting I asked him if I could join his mystery school and he told me that I knew more than he did and I wouldn’t benefit from his courses.  Once again I was shocked. I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying to me because it didn’t make sense.  I was just painting what came through me.

Ron told me that he wanted to try and create a workshop that we both would facilitate.  He told me “let us plan on meeting the next time I am north under any circumstances.” He expected that to be around October 1998.  On the 1st of October I was in my studio when suddenly I was downloaded information about the ancient blood mysteries.  I didn’t even know what that meant but I wrote down what I heard.  Ron died that day while teaching his class.  I saw one of his students soon after that and I asked her what she knew about the blood mysteries and I told her the information I had gotten.  She looked at me shocked and said “That is what Ron was teaching the day he died.”

Ron had indeed connected with me in October under any circumstances…

To Be Continued…

Part 2 Why did this scare me so much?


Transformational Space Feels Like the Dark and There is NO WAY OUT!


Becoming conscious can be dark and painful, I know because I chose a life where becoming conscious was a main focus.

About 7 weeks ago I went down a deep rabbit hole due to a lot of intense planetary influences.  I am very connected to the earth and the cosmos so what happens on this planet and beyond impacts me deeply.  I have always paid attention to astrology because I know it has an impact on us, though I think the impact is different now than it was when the system was created.  Depending on how certain planetary event align in your natal chart you will either be blessed by the event or be pushed to look at yourself in a new way.

Trust me when I say that going down a rabbit hole is not my favorite things to do.  It is intense, painful and very uncomfortable and when you are in that space there is a strong sense of finality.  You feel like it will last forever.  The reason this space is so powerful is because it forces you to look deeply at yourself and uncover what is hidden, that is no longer serving you.  It is NOT FUN!

When this particular one began it started after waking up from a dream.  A dream that made me very angry.  I was so angry that I fired all of my guides, decided that all the  new age, metaphysical stuff was not only fluffy but a bunch of crap!!!  I was in a place where I couldn’t believe anything that I thought I knew was truth. I felt stupid for ever thinking I understood anything!!! I didn’t talk to anyone for almost a week.  Both of my kids found me in this space and were very concerned.  I had pretty much had it.

I felt like I was in the dark and I was being squeezed.  I won’t go into the details of what was happening to me because those transformational spaces are sacred ground.  I was in this space for seven weeks.  At one point I thought I had emerged with a deep understanding, which I did, but wham, I was taken down yet again.  It was the same issue but a different layer of understanding would emerge.

Today as I write this I am back in the light and it has a different feel to it.  I am filled with possibilities and see all kinds of potential that I couldn’t see a few days ago. It sounds terrible and it was. I swore A LOT!  That is a rabbit hole and that is what becoming conscious feels like.


I first heard the term “Going down the rabbit hole” in the movie What the Bleep Do We Know.  In the movie they challenged us with the question “How far down the rabbit hole would you like to go? ,using Alice in Wonderlands journey to demonstrate. From my seat in the movie theater it seemed like an adventure.   In the movie the rabbit hole in question was about how much new information about the universe and quantum physics could you take in and still feel sane.  This is one form of rabbit hole.

Exploring your personal depths is another. It is wise not to confuse the story book version of a rabbit hole with the slippery kaleidoscopic vignettes one encounters when slipping down the rabbit hole of your own psyche.  It is one thing to read about doorways into other dimensions of consciousness or see them in movies, and quite another to actually risk entering their depths.  Diving into your own personal rabbit hole feels like you are imploding in on yourself.  You temporarily lose sight of who you are.  I know if you have never been in this space it might be hard to comprehend what it feels like but those of you who have been there know exactly what I mean.

My mission is to know myself, to become more conscious which results in my being as authentic as possible.  I can’t avoid diving into my depths if I want to get there.   Fear will not allow you into the rabbit hole, nor will a tenacious hold on a belief system.  Both of those will keep you from allowing yourself to fall into the abyss of self.  You have to feel your fear and go anyway for the sake of your awakening.

Rabbit holes are only for the passionately curious, for those who are not so tied in and connected to someone else’s answer that the forgot what the question was long ago.  Rabbit holes are definitely not for the faint of heart.  The essential nature of a rabbit hole is to unravel.  What you experience upon entering one will not only blow your mind, it will strip you of all sense of personal identity.  Trust me, being in the dark and not knowing who you are is frightening and it is the reason that keeps most people from exploring their depths.

We humans are amazing creatures and yet most never know this because they haven’t dove into themselves to discover how exquisite we really are.  We are Alice in Wonderland, when she fell down the rabbit hole.  The fall into the dark is very long and very scary but once she landed on solid ground she discovered treasures!


Think of yourself as a new seed that has been planted.  We are always planting new seeds of possibility for ourselves.  In the first three stages of grow the seed is in the dark, germinating.  It is just like being in the rabbit hole because dark is dark no matter where you find it.  You can see what is going on around you.

It is scary and you don’t know what the right direction is. Once the seed begins to grow is slowly emerges from the ground.  It begins to see that the light has returned.  And finally it is above grown and grows into a beautiful flower.  Self discovery is like that.  You go into the dark, you discover your treasures and emerge as a beautiful new flower.


I understand the transformational darkness because I have explored it for many years.  I know how intense if feels but I am not afraid of it because I know what is on the other side.  This is not to say that I am comfortable with it or that it isn’t messy when I am in it.   It is both uncomfortable and messy!!  But I chose to explore it because it means that I am getting closer and close to my authentic self, my soul and to living and authentic life of joy on this amazing planet.


The Expectant Heart

2682523 Painting by Katelyn Mariah

“Nothing is obtained simply by wanting and nothing is achieved by relinquishing responsibility to a higher authority.  Belief is the act of be-living, for to be live is to believe, and will is the ultimate medium of the self.”


The one with the expectant heart

is pregnant with possibilities…

Seeing hope for the future.

Are you shocked when things turn out good for you, or do you live with an expectant heart, where all things work together for you highest and best?  Your approach to life truly effects the outcome of your day.

There is a supernatural joy that can only be found in total security, in trusting and in allowing good things to come to you. Without these things many people seem to miss out on living a life filled with genuine joy.

If the odds are 100 to 1 that something might turn out in your favor, the expectant heart doesn’t say, why would I win with those odds? No, it says “Hey, someone has to win, why not me?”. If there is only going to be one man/woman standing why not let that one be you, and if each of us thought that than the one man standing would not be standing alone.

The idea of the expectant heart is a powerful one!

My definition of an expectant heart is one that looks forward to the fulfillment of a desired outcome because they know without a doubt that it will happen. They are in a space of trust and allowing so they are expansive to possibilities.   The trick is to be expectant yet being able to let go of expectation.  It is the balance point in a paradox.  There is a subtle but distinct difference between having expectations from a demanding standpoint and being expectant from an allowing and receiving standpoint.  In receiving mode one expects only the best, because why would they expect less for themselves?


“The eye of God sees everything for it contains the vast horizon that stretches through life, life on the planets, life in the cosmos and eternal life. Expand yourself into life and experience all that is possible. The only limitation is your imagination itself.  If you can imagine it, it can be manifest into physical form because you are the co-creator of your experience. You have the ability to create. The wisdom of creation is in your cells, in your DNA and deeply seeded in your soul. You can learn to access those records.  Ask to expand in your wisdom and to be able to live from an expectant heart and you will receive assistance to do so.

Do not live a small life when you can live one of greatness.  Greatness is a choice.

If you have been living small it is time to step into your greatness now, for you are not serving evolution if you are not living to your highest potential.  You are here to do something that only you can do and trying to conform is getting in the way of that achievement.  It doesn’t serve the universe, mankind or you to walk small and hide your authentic self. Step beyond the field of fear, into the embrace of love where all things are not only possible but probable.  It is understood that man has not been taught to live authentic lives yet this is what you are being asked to do.  As children of Creation there is not doubt, for you can be secure in the knowing that you are supported by The Loving Creator who expects the best for you as well as for everyone else.  You are part of that Creative Force.

Infuse yourself in expectancy of the vision of the world the way you desire to see it, send that vision to the higher realms and the magnetic core of the Universe, which is your magnetic core, where is can manifest. Release expectation and hold space for allowing.  In doing so you can expect the desire to be fulfilled.  This is not wishful thinking, it is lining up with the goodness that is your birthright.

It is time to hold space for a world vision that is the highest and best for everyone.  People put a lot of effort, thought and energy into make the world less than what is possible.  Man needs to create a New World vision in all of it’s details. How will it look? How will it feel?  Don’t think small, don’t think small. Don’t think maybe, for doubt will interrupt the creation process.  Do this with your vision for yourself.  What do you want to create? What will it look like? What will it feel like.  Don’t hold back.

Think yes…think big… expect great things…expect total support…expect your dreams to become reality…and what you expect will manifest.  This is the beauty of creating from an expectant heart.


Each person is here for a unique purpose and that purpose can not be fulfilled in its highest from unless we are the complete expression of who we are. It is time to be the expression of your beautiful and authentic self.

It is time to release programs of lack and programs of doubt and fear.  They are holding you back, creating conflict which results in discord.  Release the beliefs based on your history and experience and wipe the slate clear.  We no longer create from history or experience.

Each one of you is a divine spark from the light that is the Creator. Why expect anything less than total support, blessings and love for the expression of Creation that we are.

This calls for greatness that can only happen with an expectant heart that is trusting and secure that it deserves to experience greatness. You need to be all that you can be and that can only happen with total support for being.  In alignment with your heart and the Light all things are probable.”

It is time to live in paradox. Be pregnant with expectation and at the same time let go of expectations.  We are learning to living from a place of allowing and trust.  This calls for a shift in thinking.  Set an intention for yourself to radically alter the way you think, release fear and open to receive harmony, peace, abundance and love.  Greatness is a choice of the heart.  Open to the goodness of the Universe and you will see a magical world unfold in front of you.


(re-write from a piece I wrote in June 2004

Words About The Art of Allowing



Dear Divine Inner Self

Talk to us about the Art of Allowing

Allowing your flow of abundance is a true art.  To stay detached from outcome, where you are trained to attach, is mastery. The paradox of this allowing is, that it is, the very thing that will bring about the manifestation of all of your desires, yet you have not been taught that.

Your desires spring from your divine sacred blue print, which you created before you incarnated. It is the fuel that propels you to the fulfillment of your purpose and you are not wired to this knowing.

Human wiring is designed to be just the opposite in duality.  It seems counter productive but it is the very thing that leads to a deeper understanding of your self.  It is the path to authenticity and you unravel all that does not serve you.

If you could trust that what you desire is part of your destiny and that it can’t not be fulfilled you could relax easily into allowing.  But that is not the case.

To allow means to stay present in the moment and let your life flow.  This does not mean that you take no action.  To the contrary there is a time to be still and to listen and a time to take action on that listening.  Allowing also means accepting what is in the moment and not attaching to what appears.  Allowing each person’s path to unfold without interference.

Humans have a tendency to close doors too soon, grasping on to what appears to be evidence of manifestation.  Evidence is showing you that you are on the right path to that which you want to manifest but you must remain open to unlimited possibilities.  You will know when you have arrived at your desire by the still small voice within you.  Until you hear it, it is only evidence of the way.

As it is, allowing must become your practice so that you can shift into that state.  You must consciously allow. When allowing becomes your natural state your life will unfold effortlessly and magically because you have created a magnetic field around yourself that is charged to the manifestation of your desires.

Simplification of Law of Attraction

Hand holding precious seedling
Hand holding precious seedling

Thinking Forward…

Dear Divine Inner Self,  How do I line up with what I desire so it comes into reality?

Dear one,
It is easy, yet hard for humans, because you have to let go of past understanding and experience. Nothing from the past can bring you new reality.  The past served you to learn what you do and don’t want and that information is stored in your psyche, you don’t have to rehash what you have learned. Your soul knows what is best so let that be your guide.

For example:  You can not think about past relationships and create the kind of relationship you now desire.  Act as though you have never had a relationship before in this life, as though you just landed on a new planet and a desire to be connected with a man/woman just popped into your head from out of no where.   From there an imaginative story begins to unfold, like a movie in your mind.  You see the new relationship in this imaginative story just as you would like it to look. 

You have to become like a child with no memory of experience.  When you meet someone see it as a new adventure unlike anything that has been before, not letting behaviors or judgments from other relationships slip in to use as comparison.  This is true of romantic relationship as well as non-romantic relationships.  If you find yourself judging, that is based on something from the past and has nothing to do with this new person, unless you let it.  When feelings come up that are triggered by the past let them quickly slip away, because you are creating something that has never been created before with someone you have never created with before.  

Children are the best creators because they do this naturally.  They do not start thinking about the past until it is suggested to them that they do so.

This kind of creating can be done with anything; your body, your business, a new relationship, anything.  

You start over fresh, as though there is no past, everyday.  This is a new concept for the human brain because the past has always been used as a reference point for creating the future, when in reality life is fresh and new each day.  

That is the problem with time and fixed material existence, past experience seems to be real in the present, but it isn’t. It is as real as the future, which is not real either.  This is what you call staying in the present moment.  

When you awake in the morning it is a new day that has nothing to do with the past. So create forward, not backward.  

What we are saying is not to bring the past into the future with you as you create.  Remember that your life is really soul driven and there is a blue print of your life.  This is not to say that you have no free will because you are your soul so you created the plan.

A big part of creation is imagination.  Imagination is really just connecting with your blueprint and manifestation is bringing that information into your reality.  Everything has already been created in another realm.  Imagination is a tool to manifesting what you believe are only dreams and desires but they are part of your divine plan.  Imagination is higher dimensional memory of what you wanted to create once you arrived in a reality where you forgot your divinity. 


The past is just a hollow echo of what you have created to this point, not a blueprint or prediction for the future.   It is a record of what you have created and has nothing to do with what you want to create in the future unless you choose it to be that.


That is why Albert Einstein said:

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.”