I have been staying at the beach for over 2 weeks after a traumatic experience caused me to have a heart attack.
It’s been wonderfully relaxing.
Here are three sketches from my sketchbook.
Let the world see who you truly are. There is NO ONE else like you. There is no one to compete with or compare yourself to. Share the gift that only you can share.
It all comes down to self love. Once we truly love ourselves life gets easier and we can shine and share our authentic self.
I mean truly love ourselves not just give lip service to it. Oh it’s easy to say, “ Sure, I love myself” but saying it and really feeling it deep within and believing it are two different things.
Can you love yourself when you “screw up”?
Can you love yourself when you are sick and really need your love?
Can you love yourself when you feel alone?
Can you love yourself when you can’t pay your bills?
Can you love yourself when your world seems to be falling apart.
Loving your shouldn’t be based on outside circumstances.
My heart was in jail and I didn’t know it!
The armor on my heart had to be broken open, in an aggressive way because on a deep level I wouldn’t allow it to come off. I had experienced more than enough heart break, one of them almost costing my life. With each heart break the armor grew. I could risk my life again for love.
My protection became so much a part of me that I forgot it was there.
I wanted to find love and be in a relationship. I read all the books I could get my hands on about conscious love and relationships. I became the person I wanted to attract, yet nothing happened. I was frustrated with having done the work and seeing no results. I didn’t attract anyone nor did I find anyone I was attracted to. This went on for many years. So many I can’t remember the number. It didn’t make sense.
My heart and soul had other plans…
Ah it was the armor that I had forgotten about! It was not only protecting me but was sending out mixed signal to everyone I met. “I want to be in a relationship ” and ” I can stay single till hell freezes over, I don’t need a man.”
Then the heart attacks started. It would take that kind of force to show me what was going on! My heart wanted to be heard, and I wasn’t listening. It didn’t want to pretend any longer that I could live without love. It also couldn’t deal with with my inner conflict about love and relationships.
It would take 3 heart attacks and open heart surgery to break my heart open!
This became a two year journey. I didn’t need books to learn about love and relationships. I needed to develop a relationship with my heart to learn the secrets.
Each heart attack cracked me open and took me to a deeper level of understanding. Heart attacks 1 and 3 were not just heart attacks, but included stress induced cardiomyopathy also known as Broken Heart Syndrome. People die from this. I got the metaphor loud and clear each time. This wasn’t about dying for me or I would be here with all I went through.
What I learned with each event was stunning and each time I gained new wisdom and my heart got lighter and more open.
Three heart attacks in 10 months took me on a painful journey within, to release what was in the way so I could see the path to love and desire it wholeheartedly.
My soul was so serious and my heart so hell bent on being 100% open once an for all that it pushed me to have open heart surgery. I was a peace with it. What an exquisite message! My body was sawed open so that everyone in the operating room could see my heart, exposed and vulnerable! And the doctors first response “That is the most beautiful, healthiest heart he had ever seen doing this surgery. He had done over a thousand open heart surgery. Most hearts by this point did not look healthy, nor did they look beautiful.
My Heart did because I have a beautiful, healthy heart. It did what it did, not to kill me, but because it wanted to be open and seen. My heart craved love but I didn’t feel safe enough to let it in. This was the only way it was going to happen.
I have met my beautiful heart, learned what I needed to learn, let go of fear, sopped running and started listening and my life has transformed.
I am ready to let love in!
Breaking a pattern, a very old pattern.
I posted this on my Facebook page after having Open Heart surgery.
For the last two weeks my kids have been supporting me while I heal, being with me, making meals, doing things I can’t do. My son leaves tomorrow and I will be on my own. I woke up thinking ‘now what?’
My pattern, which started when I was sick at age four, is to move into super human mode and take care of myself. Pushing through things that I really shouldn’t be doing because there isn’t anyone else to do them. I know why I do it and where it came from.
I don’t want to continue this pattern. It is very lonely and not the best thing for healing. I have done it through a number of serious physical issues and I don’t want to do it again.
It has been two weeks today since I had open heart surgery. I am recovering nicely yet there are a lot of things I still can’t do and I am tired and still in pain. I am having trouble with my eyes so I can’t read or paint. I don’t want to sit in front of the television all day.
So to break this pattern I am asking any of my twin cities friends to come by and visit. Maybe have tea, bring your favorite movie and we can watch It together or just have a nice visit. We could play in my sound healing room and both benefit too. I need to play with friends ❤️
I need company, human interaction, help and healing vibes. I do alone very well. This healing journey is asking for a different approach. A heart centered approach where I let people support me and don’t fall into do it alone…again.
Send me a private message if you would like to hang out ❤️
PS. This isn’t easy for me to do.
I was overwhelmed by the positive responses I got to this message.
Acceptance and gratitude have been my words since open heart surgery.
Gratitude for the outpouring of support I have gotten from so many people. My heart feels full and I know that all will be well. So many positive things I never expected happened. Messages from friends and the universe that everything would turn out in my favor. Being in gratitude makes my heart happy.
I have known since the third heart attack that letting go of resistance would be my heart’s healing balm but that is easier said than done when your life is on the line.
My resistance took the form of finding an answer, finding the solution to the issue my heart had, doing something different that would change everything. It felt like I was being proactive but really it was a form of resisting and not accepting what was happening. Don’t get me wrong, that was also what I needed in order to survive. But so was acceptance. Acceptance and resistance could have danced in a more balanced way.
The irony here is my body was resisting the stents at the same time. Every one of them closed off very quickly. My heart suffered in my resistance and it is thriving, and will continue to thrive in my acceptance and I feel so much peace.
My friend Dawn and I had a long conversation last night and she said “what do you think they are bypassing?” I didn’t even have to think and said “My resistance!” This bypass is symbolic of my process of letting go.
Think about your own resistance to living fully. It might not look how you think it looks.
Thank you to everyone! Your, comments, ❤️’s 😮’s👍🏼’s, phone calls, private messages, visits, posts on my wall have all meant so much to me. I know I have a huge support team here and in other realms that will make surgery a huge success and give me my life back. Thank you from the bottom, top and middle of my heart. ❤️🌹😍
Letting go of resistance… that has been my focus since the 3rd heart attack in January. As soon as I declared my focus I could see resistance every where. In myself and everyone else.
When you are being challenged, in my case physically, you try to get some level of control so to feel like you are “doing something” to change your situation. I.e. Make it go away. We want a sense of power.
So for most of this 2017 I danced with my resistance.
(An aside. I thought I had gotten really good at letting go long ago. I had not)
The subtleties of resistance are exquisite.
5 days before I had open heart surgery in Nov 2017 I woke up at peace.
I was not at peace the day before. The last thing I wanted to do was have my chest cut open! Have my heart exposed. I was angry that all the work I had done over the past 25 years and intensely for the last 2, to get healthy on all levels had led to this.
That morning I knew this was the right decision for my body. I didn’t question that, I wasn’t worried, I didn’t research the procedure to see how it was done and what might happen because of it. I didn’t care.
This was my experience and it would turn out in the best way for me. Not how it turned out for everyone else.
And that peace has remained. I don’t need to figure out what past life, what wrong thoughts, what karma, what bad food created this or why it is happening to me. It doesn’t matter. (PS…all of that figuring out, that’s resistance!)
It is happening and I am experiencing it. The heavy pressure and pain on my chest when I wake up, the delicious taste of homemade food in my mouth, the pain in my leg when I walk, the love and care of my kids taking care of me, laughing my ass off with my family at thanksgiving (that also had a huge element of pain) all of it.
I am reveling in all of it. I am embracing this experience in the moment. I no longer care what the research says, what the metaphor is or what it means because of the law of attraction, or what it means about me as a person, or what is the lesson or what other people think about me because of this experience.
I am at peace and that is allowing my body to do its magic.
All the work I had done on all levels over the past 25 years had led me here.
Part of my healing Practice is to be present with everything. When I can do that it move through quickly. I am acknowledging what is happening, not complaining about it. If I ignore it it hangs around. I made a commitment at the beginning of the year to stay out of resistance. I have had many opportunities to see where I want to resist what was happening.
I believe all feelings are neutral and serve a purpose. I don’t believe that some are negative and some are positive and the negative ones should be transcended.
So I allow myself to be present with what is happening in the moment. Some days are easier to embrace others are not.
What we resist persists.
being present with impatience, frustration, boredom and a 2 year long journey of my heart to renew itself, hasn’t been easy. My heart has been my greatest teacher for the past two years. I am not the same woman who started this journey On the 2016 Equinox.
I will feel something different.
This is why I am healing so quickly. I am present for myself and embracing what the day, the hour the moment brings. This isn’t easy because we are taught to find ways to escape from our challenges when in fact they are our greatest teachers.
It is all fertile ground for my to grow.
The path of least resistance and the art of allowance are two practices that lead to wellbeing. Allowing what is ( what you can see, taste, touch, feel, hear) without resistance as you hold space for possibility is a level of mastery we haven’t been taught. I am learning as I go.
Our bodies have amazing wisdom to return us to wellbeing if we get out of the way. (The desire to control is so strong in humans!) I have watched my body recover very quickly as I have allowed and embraced this process, which is messy, organic, up and down, backwards and forwards, graceful and awkward.
I am learning through this process how to apply this self loving practice to the whole of my life. It would be amazingly freeing to live organically and trust the process, wouldn’t it?
The Heart as Chrysalis
Watercolor painting by Katelyn Mariah Oct 2017
are the Great Excavator
if you allow them to work their magic.
They will take you on a transformational and metamorphosis like no other.
They will shake you to your core, strip you down, crack you open, throw you down, turn you into goo and send you back into the world like a new butterfly.
It’s a hell of a process!
you will look like you don’t know what you are doing,
people will think you are unevoled because you have raw emotions,
You will be judged and tossed aside and want you to “just get over it”, clearing the way for your real tribe to emerge.
It will be raw and messy, you will wish you were dead, want to give up, try to run away. If you do you will miss your greatest opportunity.
It takes deep courage and radical self care to take the journey.
I am really excited to be publishing my fourth book!!
Here is a little background…
My story, the short version
One would think that someone who had 3 heart attacks over 10 months must be unhealthy. That wasn’t true of me. I was healthy, ate healthy food and had worked on personal development for years. I had no warning when I had the first heart attack on March 20, 2016, which was caused by a fire in my dryer. That fire turned into a blessing because that uncovered the issue that was happening in my arteries. I had the second heart attack in Austria and was hospitalized for a week in a hospital wear 95% of the people didn’t speak English. That by itself taught me a lot. The third heart attack happened January 2017. All three of them were the result of elevated Lipoprotein (a) and I tell these transformational stories and how I healed my heart in Resilient Heart along with techniques for you can use to strengthen, enhance your health and open your heart.
The importance of this mission wasn’t lost on me and through my own transformation and healing I found pearls that will help you! That is the kind of deep sea diving I like! It made this difficult journey worth it for me.
I began writing first in my journal, next in my blog and then I put it all together into a book. There were times during that period where I didn’t have any energy but I could lay in bed and research and I could write in my journal. I knew from the beginning that this was an important healing journey, I didn’t realize how BIG.
I am on a mission to end heart disease! I want to be part of the solution. Did you know that 80% of all heart disease is preventable? Our friends and family are dying from it and they don’t have too. That is why I want this book to become a reality and get out into the world. I discovered things in my research that doctors weren’t telling patients. Things they need to know.
For example: 1 in 5 people have elevated Lipoprotien (a) yet they don’t test for it in the US or treat it. I have to find alternative ways to heal in order to save my life. I share that in my book.
I have started an Indigogo campaign to help with publishing. You can be a part of the solution to by joining me in making a contribution to this project. I have some awesome perks that you can purchase and the funds go toward the campaign. Let’s start saving some hearts.
View the campaign here
“The Inner Physician is active and engaged in every moment directing traffic within your body, making sure you body is working to the best of its ability withing its given environment. It takes care of the body functions, with or without our help or the help of a medical professional. When we work consciously with it rather than unconsciously against it, miracles happen. We will know when it is time to work in conjunction with our doctor to heal our conditions and we will know when we should us alternative methods…Tapping into this energy we discover lost parts of ourselves and access higher wisdom.
When the Inner Physician is engaged, a union occurs between the soul, heart, mind and Creator, so that they can work together to maintain homeostasis. In partnership with the Inner Physician the power to return to wellness is strengthened. The more at ease we are at the idea the greater our chances for true health to occur. As we see and experience the power and potential that resides within the body, many of the fears we have carried regarding our health, fade away. We see that we can have an active role in reaching health and wellness and we are empowered to take the steps. When you realize that the Inner Physician is working for you at all times, you will know that you are never alone in this pursuit for health and well-being. The key to self-healing is learning to trust this intuitive part of you.”
Empowered Health and Wellness: Awakening Your Inner Physician by Katelyn Mariah
Another term for the Inner Physician is Somatic Intelligence. Somatic Intelligence is an integrated intelligence of the body, mind, emotions and spirit. Somatic Intelligence is concerned with developing your capacities for:
Somatic intelligence represents an intersection between the practical and profound. It is an invitation into a deeper alignment with our innate intelligence/Inner Physician. This intelligence brings about a self-sustainable new order of functions from these three fundamental characteristics: It is self-sensing, self-organizing and self-renewing
Somatic Intelligence can be learned by reading about it but the deeper learning and connection comes from experiencing it. I learned it from within my own body and consciousness. The willingness to pay deep attention to the inner wisdom and movement of your body is a fully sufficient teacher to move you into a state of utter wholeness and aliveness. But we are not taught how to do that.
Everyone needs to learn to tap into this innate intelligence. This is where our truth is found. The harmony created between our partnership with the Inner Physician/somatic intelligence is what creates miracles. The miracles I have experienced recently and int the past have happened when I have been in co-creation with the Inner Physician.
Do you know how to tap into your Inner Physician?
This is why I am so EXCITED about the HELO: Health and Lifestyle Oracle, because it is a wearable device that helps us get in touch with this intelligence. It helps us create coherence by monitoring our health and vital functions. What looks like a watch band is helping us communicate with our Inner Physician in real time. It is a mobile health and wellness monitor that it like having a doctor on your wrist, only this doctor knows everything about your body. This is an invaluable tool for well-being for anyone whether you have health concerns or not.
The HELO LX is a breakthrough wearable technology, one of the most advanced lifestyle monitoring technology on the market today. It empowers you to learn about what is normal for your body, make you more aware of your body, and what it needs and helps you avoid issues before they happen and gives you peace of mind! This device has everything other lifestyle trackers has plus BP, Heart Rate, Breath, Mood, Energy, Real time EKG/ECG and soon will have Blood Sugar monitoring and Blood Alcohol.
Do you want to start a relationship with your Inner Physician?
Discover Helo will give you the details
Yesterday was Easter, I spent the day alone, recovering from a heart attack and feeling deep sadness. It was a very hard day for me…
I had a different kind of heart attack. It is called stress-induced cardiomyopathy. It is not your typical heart attack, but caused by a stressful incident, in my case a fire. This kind of heart attack is also known as “Broken Heart Syndrome”, which is not a surprised to me. My heart was broken 31 years ago when my marriage almost killed me. I remember waking up in ICU and the first words to my husband were “I want a divorce”. My husband at the time was surprised and thought it was drugs talking, but it wasn’t. I left the marriage soon after.
I remember thinking when I came out of anesthesia that if I was still alive , there must be a big reason and it wasn’t to be in a miserable marriage. There was something I was here to do. That was the wake up call that put me on the path to discovering my authentic self.
Stress-induced cardiomyopathy can happen even when you are healthy during a stressful incident, but I think mine was really a reflection of a long incident of heart break.
At some unconscious level I must have made a commitment to protect myself at any cost and put an energetic shield around my heart. Somewhere in my psyche, falling in love again must have equaled death. I know I felt I was protecting that wounded woman I was at the time. And even years after she was heal…I unknowingly was protecting her!
All my life I had known that there was a kind of love that two people could have that was conscious, evolving, deeply loving and expansive and real and I continued to search for that, not only in myself but in a partner who shared those qualities. I felt connected to someone, somewhere who loved me just as I am, who was whole and complete like I would be.
That love eluded me and I didn’t understand why. I had several relationship early on after my divorce, but always chose the wrong kind of men.
Obviously because my heart was shut down. After a while I just quit and decided to focus on finding me. I have done years of self development and consciousness raising to get where I am today. I have dived deeper into myself than most people are willing today. I had become the woman I wanted to be.
Yet love has eluded me…
It is Easter Sunday, my re-birth celebration- my broken heart is healing. For 31 years my heart has been broken and I didn’t even know it until 5 months ago when I discovered it through my personal work.
My heart wants my heart mate! I can’t be without him any more. I can’t protect myself from what I have wanted all of my life. I am so sad right now. Sad for holding back for 31 years. It seems like such a waste! Being alone all of these years. Sad, Sad, Sad…
Why has life been so hard? Why so many challenges? I feel like I missed out! Maybe I will never find him because I have held back. What if I messed up because I protected my heart for so long. Maybe it is too late and I will be alone forever. What about that! All this time alone and maybe I ruined my chances.
What if I missed out? That would be the saddest thing. But I couldn’t do it differently. It had to play out this way and I will just have to be okay being alone if I waited too long. It is the path I am on right now.
I might have stayed in my protective cocoon too along and I might have missed out on the experience of true, conscious love for the sake of protecting myself. How sad is that?!
I have noticed since the heart attack that I am in my heart, my voice is coming from a deeper place in me. Obviously something has changed for me to be so public about my pain!
Aside from finding love my other big desire was to be able to live from my heart, express my authentic self and speak from a place of love. So maybe it has all been worth it just for that experience…