Figuring Things out is Just Resistance


We are taught to “figure things out” in our lives. I have gotten really good at it over the years. Until I realized that “figuring things out” was resisting what is and creating a story. What does this mean, what does that mean? Storytelling is our way of making sense of things but it takes us out of the moment and being in acceptance of the present.

I have learned through this heart journey that I might think I know what is going on and what it all means, but I don’t really know. Anything I decide is just speculation and storytelling so I feel a sense of control, power and safety.

My recent bypass stripped that all away. My heart was “opened, exposed and vulnerable ” both literally and metaphorically. I have surrendered my need to know and understand what it means and am allowing what is, the good, the bad, the ugly, it’s all part of the experience. Because of this surrender I am healing quickly and know in my heart I will recover completely.

I am at peace and in that peace all things are possible.

Releasing the Armor to Love

My heart was in jail and I didn’t know it! 


The armor on my heart had to be broken open, in an aggressive way because on a deep level I wouldn’t allow it to come off. I had experienced more than enough heart break, one of them almost costing my life. With each heart break the armor grew. I could risk my life again for love.

My protection became so much a part of me that I forgot it was there.

I wanted to find love and be in a relationship. I read all the books I could get my hands on about conscious love and relationships. I became the person I wanted to attract, yet nothing happened. I was frustrated with having done the work and seeing no results. I didn’t attract anyone nor did I find anyone I was attracted to.  This went on for many years. So many I can’t remember the number.  It didn’t make sense.

My heart and soul had other plans…

Ah it was the armor that I had forgotten about! It was not only protecting me but was sending out mixed signal to everyone I met. “I want to be in a relationship ” and ” I can stay single till hell freezes over, I don’t need a man.”

Then the heart attacks started. It would take that kind of force to show me what was going on! My heart wanted to be heard, and I wasn’t listening. It didn’t want to pretend any longer that I could live without love. It also couldn’t deal with with my inner conflict about love and relationships.

It would take 3 heart attacks and open heart surgery to break my heart open!

This became a two year journey.  I didn’t need books to learn about love and relationships. I needed to develop a relationship with my heart to learn the secrets.

Each heart attack cracked me open and took me to a deeper level of understanding. Heart attacks 1 and 3 were not just heart attacks, but included stress induced cardiomyopathy also known as Broken Heart Syndrome. People die from this. I got the metaphor loud and clear each time.  This wasn’t about dying for me or I would be here with all I went through.

What I learned with each event was stunning and each time I gained new wisdom and my heart got lighter and more open.

Three heart attacks in 10 months took me on a painful journey within, to release what was in the way so I could see the path to love and desire it wholeheartedly.

My soul was so serious and my heart so hell bent on being 100% open once an for all that it pushed me to have open heart surgery. I was a peace with it. What an exquisite message! My body was sawed open so that everyone in the operating room could see my heart, exposed and vulnerable! And the doctors first response “That is the most beautiful, healthiest heart he had ever seen doing this surgery. He had done over a thousand open heart surgery. Most hearts by this point did not look healthy, nor did they look beautiful.

My Heart did because I have a beautiful, healthy heart. It did what it did, not to kill me, but because it wanted to be open and seen. My heart craved love but I didn’t feel safe enough to let it in. This was the only way it was going to happen.

I have met my beautiful heart, learned what I needed to learn, let go of fear, sopped running and started listening and my life has transformed.

I am ready to let love in!


A Grateful Heart is Magnetic to Miracles


Breaking a pattern, a very old pattern.

I posted this on my Facebook page after having Open Heart surgery.

For the last two weeks my kids have been supporting me while I heal, being with me, making meals, doing things I can’t do. My son leaves tomorrow and I will be on my own. I woke up thinking ‘now what?’

My pattern, which started when I was sick at age four, is to move into super human mode and take care of myself. Pushing through things that I really shouldn’t be doing because there isn’t anyone else to do them. I know why I do it and where it came from.

I don’t want to continue this pattern. It is very lonely and not the best thing for healing. I have done it through a number of serious physical issues and I don’t want to do it again.

It has been two weeks today since I had open heart surgery. I am recovering nicely yet there are a lot of things I still can’t do and I am tired and still in pain. I am having trouble with my eyes so I can’t read or paint. I don’t want to sit in front of the television all day.

So to break this pattern I am asking any of my twin cities friends to come by and visit. Maybe have tea, bring your favorite movie and we can watch It together or just have a nice visit. We could play in my sound healing room and both benefit too. I need to play with friends ❤️

I need company, human interaction, help and healing vibes. I do alone very well. This healing journey is asking for a different approach. A heart centered approach where I let people support me and don’t fall into do it alone…again.

Send me a private message if you would like to hang out ❤️

PS. This isn’t easy for me to do.

I was overwhelmed by the positive responses I got to this message.

Acceptance and gratitude have been my words since open heart surgery.

Gratitude for the outpouring of support I have gotten from so many people. My heart feels full and I know that all will be well. So many positive things I never expected happened. Messages from friends and the universe that everything would turn out in my favor. Being in gratitude makes my heart happy.

I have known since the third heart attack that letting go of resistance would be my heart’s healing balm but that is easier said than done when your life is on the line.

My resistance took the form of finding an answer, finding the solution to the issue my heart had, doing something different that would change everything. It felt like I was being proactive but really it was a form of resisting and not accepting what was happening. Don’t get me wrong, that was also what I needed in order to survive. But so was acceptance. Acceptance and resistance could have danced in a more balanced way.

The irony here is my body was resisting the stents at the same time. Every one of them closed off very quickly. My heart suffered in my resistance and it is thriving, and will continue to thrive in my acceptance and I feel so much peace.

My friend Dawn and I had a long conversation last night and she said “what do you think they are bypassing?” I didn’t even have to think and said “My resistance!” This bypass is symbolic of my process of letting go.

Think about your own resistance to living fully. It might not look how you think it looks.

Thank you to everyone! Your, comments, ❤️’s 😮’s👍🏼’s, phone calls, private messages, visits, posts on my wall have all meant so much to me. I know I have a huge support team here and in other realms that will make surgery a huge success and give me my life back. Thank you from the bottom, top and middle of my heart. ❤️🌹😍



Can We Really let go of Resistance?


Letting go of resistance… that has been my focus since the 3rd heart attack in January. As soon as I declared my focus I could see resistance every where. In myself and everyone else.

When you are being challenged, in my case physically, you try to get some level of control so to feel like you are “doing something” to change your situation. I.e. Make it go away. We want a sense of power.

So for most of this 2017 I danced with my resistance.

(An aside. I thought I had gotten really good at letting go long ago. I had not)

The subtleties of resistance are exquisite.

5 days before I had open heart surgery in Nov 2017 I woke up at peace.

I was not at peace the day before. The last thing I wanted to do was have my chest cut open! Have my heart exposed. I was angry that all the work I had done over the past 25 years and intensely for the last 2, to get healthy on all levels had led to this.

That morning I knew this was the right decision for my body. I didn’t question that, I wasn’t worried, I didn’t research the procedure to see how it was done and what might happen because of it. I didn’t care.

This was my experience and it would turn out in the best way for me. Not how it turned out for everyone else.

And that peace has remained. I don’t need to figure out what past life, what wrong thoughts, what karma, what bad food created this or why it is happening to me. It doesn’t matter. (PS…all of that figuring out, that’s resistance!)

It is happening and I am experiencing it. The heavy pressure and pain on my chest when I wake up, the delicious taste of homemade food in my mouth, the pain in my leg when I walk, the love and care of my kids taking care of me, laughing my ass off with my family at thanksgiving (that also had a huge element of pain) all of it.

I am reveling in all of it. I am embracing this experience in the moment. I no longer care what the research says, what the metaphor is or what it means because of the law of attraction, or what it means about me as a person, or what is the lesson or what other people think about me because of this experience.

I am at peace and that is allowing my body to do its magic.

All the work I had done on all levels over the past 25 years had led me here.

Part of my healing Practice is to be present with everything. When I can do that it move through quickly. I am acknowledging what is happening, not complaining about it. If I ignore it it hangs around. I made a commitment at the beginning of the year to stay out of resistance. I have had many opportunities to see where I want to resist what was happening.

I believe all feelings are neutral and serve a purpose. I don’t believe that some are negative and some are positive and the negative ones should be transcended.

So I allow myself to be present with what is happening in the moment. Some days are easier to embrace others are not.

What we resist persists.

being present with impatience, frustration, boredom and a 2 year long journey of my heart to renew itself, hasn’t been easy. My heart has been my greatest teacher for the past two years. I am not the same woman who started this journey On the 2016 Equinox.

I will feel something different.

This is why I am healing so quickly. I am present for myself and embracing what the day, the hour the moment brings. This isn’t easy because we are taught to find ways to escape from our challenges when in fact they are our greatest teachers.

It is all fertile ground for my to grow.

The path of least resistance and the art of allowance are two practices that lead to wellbeing. Allowing what is ( what you can see, taste, touch, feel, hear) without resistance as you hold space for possibility is a level of mastery we haven’t been taught. I am learning as I go.

Our bodies have amazing wisdom to return us to wellbeing if we get out of the way. (The desire to control is so strong in humans!) I have watched my body recover very quickly as I have allowed and embraced this process, which is messy, organic, up and down, backwards and forwards, graceful and awkward.

I am learning through this process how to apply this self loving practice to the whole of my life. It would be amazingly freeing to live organically and trust the process, wouldn’t it?

We are powerful creators!



For a few years I have taken issue with the theory around the Law of Attraction because it feels like something is missing and there is a lot of spiritual bypassing in it.

The other day I heard a quote that has me pondering if this is part of what is missing.  It goes something like this,  Everything you are experiencing now is because of what you asked for.  To me that is different than thoughts become things. Here is why…

A few days before I heard that quote I wrote this question in my journal ” why would someone create the experience of having 3 heart attacks in ten months ” which I had done.  Some people told me it meant something was wrong with my thinking. Others often solutions of food and supplements I might try. Others just felt sorry for me.

Then I heard the quote Everything you are experiencing now is because of what you asked for.  It’s like the concept of sending out rockets of desire but it landed differently inside of me.

On March 8 2016 I did a ritual on the Eclipse, which astrologically was a powerful one for me.  Two of the things I asked for were Supreme Health and Wellness and a conscious partnership.

On March 20, 2016, the Spring Equinox, I had the first heart attack.

One of the things I learned early in this heart journey is that my heart was shut down because of earlier life trauma. Trauma I had worked on many times over the years. What remained was hidden from me at the cellular level.

Cellular memory is hard to reach. Which meant it was pretty much impossible for me to have supreme health and a conscious partnership.  My desire for both was strong and the universe was listening and took the most efficient way to open my heart…heart attacks.

This is a different twist on the Law of Attraction where thoughts become things. I wasn’t thinking about having heart attacks. I was thinking quite the opposite. It was confusing because simplistically the Law of Attraction says, negative thoughts become negative things and positive thoughts become positive things.

Accordingly id something bad happens you created it by what you were thinking. There is a lot of shame in that.

If my positive intentions to have supreme health and wellness and a conscious partnership created three heart attacks because that was the pathway to get there, that’s a great thing! It’s nothing to be ashamed of. The universe chose the most effective and efficient way to clean up and clear out what wasn’t in alignment with my intentions.

AND now I am in a space where I can magnetize them because my heart is open and returning to wellness!

A Visit from Michael the Archangel


Michael the Archangel has come to me many times over the years and it always feels the same.  I feel a large pair of energetic hands pressing on the side of my head.  I can feel the pressure on my head even though it is gentle it feels like my hair is being pressed down.  Energy flows from his hands into the top and sides of my head.

His coming is most often spontaneous, though there have been times when I called upon him and he came in the same way.  It always feels to me like a loving, healing presence.  I use to have visits all of the time but then they slowed down and it has been a long time since I have had one.

Yesterday and for the last few days I have felt weary of this journey I have been on and it has caused me a lot of anxiety.  Most of the anxiety has been connected to dying, which I feel is a PTSD response to what I have been through.  I think it is present with any life threatening illness and for me it was presenting in the form of anxiety about a having another heart attack that would kill me.

I was in the shower and I said out loud “Just send me an angel of peace, that is all I need!”

Last night Michael came to visit.  I was being mindlessly entertained by the television, dealing with the case of bronchitis that I had gotten.  It was causing me anxiety because I could not clear my throat.  There was so much congestion in my throat and as soon as I cleared it out it came right back.

Suddenly I felt the giant hands press against my head and immediately the anxiety I had been feeling melted away.  The hands stayed pressed against my head for 30 minutes and I knew I was receiving a special healing gift.

This morning when I work up I felt completely different.  I felt renewed, the fog that had been in my brain for weeks was gone and I felt hopeful.  Hopeful that what I was going through was temporary and was purposeful and was not intended to kill me.  The feeling that I had been having in my throat that I couldn’t clear was gone, even though I still have remnants of the cold.

Thank you to Michael for continuing to visit and support me all of these years.

This is my spirit communing with Spirit, which I choose to call Michael the Archangel.

My Statin Nightmare


As I type this the first finger on my right hand is so swelled up and painful that I can hardly use it to type but I am compelled to share my story despite the pain.

First of all, I am a health and wellness expert and wrote an award winning book about alternative health.  I know about healing and I know about using food as medicine, yet I still got caught in the pharmaceutical trap.

My Story

On March 20th of 2016 I have a stress-induced cardiomyopathy, which looks like a heart attack but really isn’t. It doesn’t mean my life was stressful. I had a fire in my basement, I ran up the stairs 90 miles an hour and had the Cardiomyopathy when I reach the top of the stairs. It is caused by a single stressful incident. There is not a lot of research but it is the kind of heart issue that you can completely recover from.

I was taken to the hospital by ambulance and what happened in the next 2 days while I was vulnerable was actually a whirlwind of neglect.  There is little information about Stress-induced cardiomyopathy so the medical field doesn’t really know how to treat it so they fall on the heart attack protocol as backup.

I didn’t find out what my diagnosis was until the day I was discharged so until then I thought I had suffered a heart attack.  When it is your first time with something like this you really don’t even know what questions to ask when they start handing you medication that they say “If you don’t take this you will have another heart attack.”  Things happened so fast and I felt so bad that I didn’t have time to do my research from my hospital bed.

When I found out I was on Statins, I didn’t know much about them because they hadn’t come on to my radar but I knew intuitively I didn’t want to take them and asked the cardiologist several times when I could be off of them.  I was told “you will will have to be on them for life.”  Ah no, that will never happen!!

I didn’t think I could just stop so it was my intention to find out how to get off of them as fast as I could.  Within three weeks I ended up with symptoms of toxicity.

I started researching statins immediately out of the hospital and was told by several people that they were poison. A chiropractor friend told me that there are certain genotypes who can’t tolerate Statins and it takes a simple blood test to find out if you are one of them.  Doctors don’t perform this test!

Every medical doctor I talked to told me it was a good drug for preventing heart attacks even when I protested.  Oh by the way, it is used to lower cholesterol and I my cholesterol is normal!

First, both of my hands clenched up and were so painful I ended up in the Emergency Room.  Of course the doctors were befuddled and I insisted they take me off the statins because I was sure that was the problem.  For the next three days I was in severe pain and could not use my hands.

The day after my ER visit I had a follow up with my Primary doctor and by then both of my hands were swelled up, red and on fire and looked like clubs.  I was diagnosed with cellulitis.  I had to go on antibiotics to get that to recede.

One morning I woke up and there was so much pain in my hip I could hardly walk.  It went from there to my foot, which also swelled up and was painful.

Finally every joint and muscle in my body was in pain. Today I have been off of Statins for 9 days and I am still feeling the results of what is left in my body.  Including severe itching in my palms, cellulitis in my right index finger and arthritis type pain in two fingers on my left hand. From what I read it takes 2-3 weeks to be clear of it.

Update: It ended up taking 3 weeks for the statins to clear out of my body and the pain migrated throughout my body as it was leaving.  Cellulitis returned to my hands three times before it was gone.


Exaggeration and Deception

For example, in one highly quoted study 3 percent of those on placebo had a heart attack compared to 2 percent of those taking Lipitor. In other words, out of 100 people taking atorvastatin, one would benefit. That probably doesn’t seem very impressive to you. After all, if 99 people taking Lipitor get no noticeable benefit so that 1 person can avoid a heart attack, the results just don’t sound exciting.

But wait, there is a way to manipulate the data to make the drug seem more appealing. Because the difference between 3 percent and 2 percent is only 1 percent, the manufacturer promoted the drug as reducing the risk of heart attack by 36 percent. That sounds much more appealing to prescribers and patients, even though only 1 person out of 100 actually benefits. In statistical terms, drug companies use relative risk reduction rather than absolute risk reduction to make it seem as if their medications are far more effective than they really are.


1-Statins and Genotype intolerence Medical research paper

2-Statins and Muscle pain:

60% of people stopping statins did so because of muscle pain.

Other studies:

Dr. Northrup who I trust says she wouldn’t take statins herself!  Here is her article

This one by a Doctor is great too and she adds a lot of other research to her article

Run from Statins

Dr. Axe report :

Dr. Diamond on Statins  This is a Doctor who studied the side effects of Statins for his own health

Wellness Mama report


I asked the cardiologist if there was a way to clean the plaque out of arteries naturally and she said no.  I went home and did my research and found that wasn’t true.  When I saw her again I said ” When I asked you about using food to clear out plaque you told me no but my research says you can.”  She replied, yes there are food that can do that but we can see the results unless we go back in so there isn’t any proof.

Here are several links to food that will support lowering cholesterol, there area a lot more out there.

Testing for Statin Intolerance

Please, please, please do your homework before you ever agree to take statin drugs. It has been a nightmare for me as this toxin moves through my body. And very painful and exhausting. It debilitated both my hands for three days, went into my leg and now my right foot so I can hardly walk. Joint pain everywhere. From what I have read it take about 2-3 weeks to clear out of your body.

There are specific genotypes who are intolerant of statins and a simple blood test would have saved me from all of this pain. Doctors don’t do the test and think everyone alive should be on the drug. I am posting this so none of my friends have to experience this! The heart attack was a piece of cake compared to what I have experienced for over a week. It’s comforting to know it will be over soon.

Eyes are The Windows to the Soul




“My eyes are an ocean in which my dreams are reflected”

“There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect.”

G.K Chesterton

One of the things that I do when I work with illness, my own and other people’s, is to work with metaphor and create sacred healing objects.  The box in the photo is one of those pieces.   If you read my book, Empowered Health and Wellness: Awaken the Inner Physician” you have read my healing story but have not seen the box and the lapis lazuli stones I talked about.  This is it.

In July of 2006 I was diagnosed with a Posterior Vitreous Detachment, PVD in my left eye.  I won’t go into the details here because I want to tell you the story about the image above.

Early in my healing of this issue my guidance lead me to the Eye of Horus and how it was connected to my eye.  My guidance lead me to a very specific store that I had only been to one other time.  My Inner Physician told me that I would find a lapis lazuli Eye of Horus the I could use to heal my eye.  I went to the store right when it opened looking for the lapis Eye of Horus but found nothing.  Someone came into the store behind me and said “Where is all of your jewelry?” to which the owner said, “I haven’t put it out yet.”  She put the jewelry on the bottom shelf of the case.  When she as done she took two lapis lazuli Eyes of Horus out of a box and placed them on the top shelf!  When you start to experience synchronicity like this, know that you are being guided by something higher because there isn’t any earthly explanation.

Once again I was stunned by my inner guidance yet glad I had listened to it.  I learned that the eyes were covered by a street vendor in Egypt and were a one-of-a-kind set. The store owner told me it is very hard to find a pair made by the same person of both the left and right eye. Of course I bought the set, even though it was more money than I wanted to spend. For me they represented powerful metaphor for my eyes to heal.  For me it is more powerful if I have a physical representation of the metaphor I am working with.  Not only did I find a physical representation but it had come in a healing stone of lapis lazuli.

 Lapis Lazuli Metaphysical Powers

As inscribed in the 140th chapter of the Egyptian Book of the Dead, Lapis Lazuli, in the shape of an eye set in gold, was considered an amulet of great power.  On the last day of the month, an offering was made before this symbolic eye, for it was believed that on that day, the supreme being placed such an image on his head.

Lapis Lazuli is said to be associated with self-confidence, truthfulness, openness and inner tranquility. Lapis Lazuli is the ancient stone of mental and psychological health. It promotes spiritual healing, mental calmness and strength of will. It increases psychic abilities and allows for spiritual growth.

When used during meditation, it aids in detaching one from the physical body and allowing for a deeper and more open state of consciousness. Therefore, for a beginner it can be quite scary and create a feeling of panic as one feels as if he/she is loosing touch with the body completely. As a result, it is wonderful for establishing a connection with the creative force and receiving information from other plains of consciousness.

It is a good stone for emotional healing. According to the wonderful book “Love is in the Earth – A Kaleidoscope of Crystals, Melody” (Copyright 1991, Earth-Love Publishing House, it enables one to obtain relief from that which has been presses into the shallow recesses of the mind, providing objectivity, clarity and mental endurance during release of emotional bondage. It helps for diminishment of the internal smoldering fire which leads to disease. It stimulates the communicative facets of the self, providing for clarity and responsiveness during the release of information. Lapis Lazuli is also a very powerful tool for dream work.

I go into more details in the book about how I worked with these stones to heal my eyes.

I made the box to hold the two apis lazuli Eye of Horus and I use them as an instrument of healing in my work now.  The cover is made from a greeting card.

A Doll with a Story…



I am just going to tell you part of her story because the whole story is very long.  The part about how she came to be.

First of all I made her.  She came from my imagination. She was created to accompany me on a healing journey to Mexico.  This doll would represent wellness to me and help me heal from an issue that had been a problem for several years.  Intention is strengthened for me if I create a visual object because I am such a visual person.

I created this beautiful, powerful doll that you see above, placing my hair, stones and crystals and other objects in her body as I meditated and prayed my intention into her to animate my request.   My doll would traveled with me for 6 weeks as I visited churches all over the Central Highlands in Mexico.  I was staying in Patzcuaro, Mexico the home of Our Lady of Health.  I would be there on December 8th which was her feast day and there would be a grand celebration as people came from all over Mexico to ask her for healing.

The History of Our Lady of Health   Basilica of Our Lady of Health: (Nuestra Señora de la Salud): it was the Cathedral’s seat in the State of Michoacán until 1950. The Basilica was built over a pre-Hispanic ceremonial centre, commissioned by the first bishop in Michoacán, Vasco de Quiroga, whose remains rest in the temple. The basilica is well attended throughout the year, especially on the 8th day of every month, when hundreds of devotees come to pray and ask for protection to the regional patron.The venerated image of our lady of Health, made with paste of corn cane and orchid honey in the XVI century.

The venerated 16th century image of the Virgin was in fact brought here by Bishop Quiroga, and for almost 300 years stood in the humble hospital chapel of Santa Marta down the hill from the Basilica.  Now she stands in splendor inside the Basilica opposite and 18th century painting of the controversial bishop.

Most of the time she stands inside of an enclosed glass case, which is how she was when I first saw her.  One her feast day she is brought out on a platform and carried about the church by 4 devotes so that she can be touched by those asking for healing.

The Virgin is richly costumed in an embroidered robe and spreading floral cap.  She wears a crown and a finely wrought silver glory surrounds her head.  In accordance with the traditional image of the Virgin of the Conception, she stands on a silver crescent moon.  Over the centuries La Salud/ Our Lady of Health has been credited with many miraculous cures, as well a favorable interventions in times of plague and drought.

To me she represents the Goddess…    When I set out to create this doll, I had never seen her image, nor did I know any of this history.  

An image came to me in a vision and I created it.  I made a beautiful box for her and also a medicine bag.  The box eventually fell apart and she is now in the wooden box seen below.

The first time I went to the Basilica and saw the statue of Our Lady of Health, I was stunned by her beauty.  She was almost life size, with long brown human hair and real clothes and jewelry.  With over 400 years of prayer and dedication this statue seemed almost human.  She was wearing a long velvet cape, embroidered with gold designs, that was floor-length in the front and longer in the back.   20150601_162148 I was surprised to find that the doll I created before even seeing her was an exact replica, right down to the red and gold cape which she only wears once a year, on her feast day!  It was clear that I had connected with Our Lady of Health long before I arrived.  The small statue that you see on the edge of the box and in the top photo is what she looks like on her feast day.  Really close to the doll I had created wouldn’t you say?

This is part of being a visionary artist.  We see things, create them and find out later they were exactly as we saw them in our mind’s eye.

She now carries healing energy for our travels and all of the sacred spaces where were in as well as all of the ceremonies we participated in together on my pilgrimage.  Just writing this story makes me nostalgic because it was a powerful trip for me and I did find healing there.

The complete story of my healing pilgrimage is Chapter 6 in my book Empowered Health and Wellness: Awakening You Inner Physician