I Understand…

45878471 - ruby-throated hummingbird in the garden
45878471 – ruby-throated hummingbird in the garden

Hummingbirds gifts include the ability to heal by using light as a laser from mouth, endurance over long journeys, ability to fly into small places to heal, joy, happiness, love, timelessness, and the ability to do the impossible.

I understand why people want to give up when they are going through a long health crisis.  I can even understand why someone in this circumstance would commit suicide, though I haven’t thought of it myself.

I felt like giving up many times. There were also times when I wished I wasn’t here.

I understand going from living a life where you were healthy and didn’t have to worry about money to having health and money the thing always on your mind.

I went from healthy and having money. I could travel and buy things when I needed them. I could donate money to friends in need and causes that I supported. And then I experienced a life-threatening illness and lose all the money I had.

I understand the fear, the pain, the frustration and anger at a situation that seems like it will never end.

I understand the fear of going to sleep not knowing if you will wake up again.

I understand going through this alone because you don’t have a partner.

I understand the embarrassment of not being able to take care of your basic needs. I understand being behind on your mortgage fearing you would lose your home.

I understand not being able to buy healthy food and supplements and treatment that will help you get well again because you have no money.

I understand waiting in line at the food shelf and being grateful to have food for a week even if it isn’t the healthiest food available.

I understand people judging you. I understand being misunderstood. I understand losing friends in the process.

I understand the frustration you feel when people have no idea what you are going through.

I understand fatigue, no energy, no motivation.

I understand being sick and having no money. I understand having a negative bank balance and no food.

I understand how alone you feel.

I understand why people want to give up. I understand why people want to die.

I also understand resilience. ❤️

I understand seeing a ray of hope and having that as the object of your focus. I understand it often shifts your thinking.

I understand what happens when you overcome your fear and embarrassment and ask for help. People want to help you. I understand how it feels to ask for money and what happens when you allow people to help you.

I understand diving deep into yourself to find what your illness is trying to tell you and how there is always a solution that will help you heal.

I understand how uplifting it is to have friends come to visit, make your meals, take you to dinner, give you money when you need it.

I understand believing in yourself and trusting the process even when it is difficult to do that. I have experienced miracles when I have let go.

i understand we have something higher than ourselves that is watching over us and has our back.

I understand we have Guides and angels ready to step in and help if we ask.

I understand accepting illness rather than fight it and how acceptance allows us to heal.

I understand everything about having a life-threatening illness and being in a financial crisis at the same time because I have experienced them both. I understand how hard it is. I am here to tell you,

Don’t give up ❤️

You are not alone 💜

Don’t be afraid to ask for help, or feel embarrassed if you have to. 🧡

You will get through this. 💚

You are resilient. 💙

You are loved. ❤️

KatelynMariah

It’s Easier to Hide than be Seen.

6C8BFB9E-9EE6-466B-AC41-A02708F40D19

The way I have chosen to use Facebook is to allow people to watch my inner process as it unfolds, uncensored. This is unprecedented work because people don’t do this sort of thing on social media. They probably do do it in real life either.   It’s easier to look like you are all together and positive all of the time. I don’t know about you but I am not always positive and upbeat. I like to think I am a balance of both. Sounds human to me.

I have been called to do it differently. The books I write and what I share on social media are real, authentic, raw life as it unfolds. It makes some uncomfortable and others feel the connection to something in them.

I am living a human experience just like the rest of the humans on the planet. Some can relate to something I say or feel because we all feel these feelings at times in our lives. I am just saying it out loud. It’s through our openness, rawness and realness that we heal, not only ourselves but those watching who can take it in.

The problem in this kind of sharing is it is subject to interpretation which may or may not be accurate. People might think I am falling apart when I am not. People might thing I am broken when I am not. The interpretation is based on individual filters.  I am okay with that. If someone thinks I am crazy, oh well…

Vulnerability hasn’t always been easy for me. Trust me when I say it has taken 30 years of deep inner work to feel comfortable letting people see me when things might not be so great. One has to be comfortable with what is happening before they can say it out loud to other people. Shame, embarrassment and fear of judgment usually stop us from being authentic. I had to work through all of that.

I am on the planet to help empower others. I do that by sharing who I am. By sharing my struggles and my victories and by normalizing the whole human experience. It’s okay not to be okay all of the time. It doesn’t take away from your value. In fact being vulnerable increases our sense of love and belonging.

Look out…I’m in a Mood

EBB035C2-18B7-4AD2-925F-4F20C7A910E2

I am in a mood…not a bad mood but a real mood.

Wow, I just scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook and so much ‘we create our own reality, and this is all happening to make you a better person’, and that kind of thing. No offense to anyone because I think that way too.

I get it… but sometimes reality sucks. It really does!

Right now I am thinking that being grateful and holding a positive intention when life looks the complete opposite might just be a way of bypassing reality. I have done it for a while waiting for a shift. Yes I see increments of change but not enough and not fast enough.

I am in the muck for some reason and it’s real. I am just looking at it objectively and wondering what to do with it. I have felt all the feelings, I have combed through my inner landscape for clues and gems, and treasures and I have found the real me. Today the dust has settled and I am wondering what is this stuff called my life and what am I supposed to do with it?

I have gone through almost 3 years of challenge with my heart, breaking open, healing, breaking open and healing again. Now to have to deal with a renegade parathyroid. To top it off all of this has left me in a challenging place financially. In physical reality each one of those things would be a challenge all by itself!  I actually don’t know how I have done it for almost three years.

So the muck is real. I know lotuses grow out of the muck and mud and become beautiful flowers. I am just not there today! Right now I see mud!

9D40100F-9D27-465C-BE6C-E249E784FBA9

I painted this mood years ago. It’s a familiar place. The painting is called “ The Cauldron of Creativity “. I don’t know if she is sinking in or rising up.

D5C085C6-4BE1-460C-A94E-A9A194C7E2AF

 

Feeling blessed…

BB398400-2DC7-41CE-951C-C46CE0756B79

I love this quote. It is so true that when you can see the blessings in everything that comes into your life no matter what is happening, the lens of life changes. When you are seeing life from your soul’s perspective. Judgment falls away.

This is not to say it will be easier, or that everything will be wonderful but through a lens that uses life experience as a way to evolve and discover who you truly are, any thing is possible.

You will see miracles. You will experience love and support all around you and you will feel blessed.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the universe because I know I am always supported on earth, beyond around and beside me. My life hasn’t been easy by any stretch of the imagination and I sometimes wonder how I got through what I gotten through the last three years yet I have been blessed in so many ways at the same time because of my connection to my spiritual path and my higher intelligence.

I hope you see the blessings and miracles around you too. ❤️

Figuring Things out is Just Resistance

IMG_2726

We are taught to “figure things out” in our lives. I have gotten really good at it over the years. Until I realized that “figuring things out” was resisting what is and creating a story. What does this mean, what does that mean? Storytelling is our way of making sense of things but it takes us out of the moment and being in acceptance of the present.

I have learned through this heart journey that I might think I know what is going on and what it all means, but I don’t really know. Anything I decide is just speculation and storytelling so I feel a sense of control, power and safety.

My recent bypass stripped that all away. My heart was “opened, exposed and vulnerable ” both literally and metaphorically. I have surrendered my need to know and understand what it means and am allowing what is, the good, the bad, the ugly, it’s all part of the experience. Because of this surrender I am healing quickly and know in my heart I will recover completely.

I am at peace and in that peace all things are possible.

Releasing the Armor to Love

My heart was in jail and I didn’t know it! 

0B0EC59D-8284-4D99-B912-4A8E422C8B74-1703-000003373E67BE52

The armor on my heart had to be broken open, in an aggressive way because on a deep level I wouldn’t allow it to come off. I had experienced more than enough heart break, one of them almost costing my life. With each heart break the armor grew. I could risk my life again for love.

My protection became so much a part of me that I forgot it was there.

I wanted to find love and be in a relationship. I read all the books I could get my hands on about conscious love and relationships. I became the person I wanted to attract, yet nothing happened. I was frustrated with having done the work and seeing no results. I didn’t attract anyone nor did I find anyone I was attracted to.  This went on for many years. So many I can’t remember the number.  It didn’t make sense.

My heart and soul had other plans…

Ah it was the armor that I had forgotten about! It was not only protecting me but was sending out mixed signal to everyone I met. “I want to be in a relationship ” and ” I can stay single till hell freezes over, I don’t need a man.”

Then the heart attacks started. It would take that kind of force to show me what was going on! My heart wanted to be heard, and I wasn’t listening. It didn’t want to pretend any longer that I could live without love. It also couldn’t deal with with my inner conflict about love and relationships.

It would take 3 heart attacks and open heart surgery to break my heart open!

This became a two year journey.  I didn’t need books to learn about love and relationships. I needed to develop a relationship with my heart to learn the secrets.

Each heart attack cracked me open and took me to a deeper level of understanding. Heart attacks 1 and 3 were not just heart attacks, but included stress induced cardiomyopathy also known as Broken Heart Syndrome. People die from this. I got the metaphor loud and clear each time.  This wasn’t about dying for me or I would be here with all I went through.

What I learned with each event was stunning and each time I gained new wisdom and my heart got lighter and more open.

Three heart attacks in 10 months took me on a painful journey within, to release what was in the way so I could see the path to love and desire it wholeheartedly.

My soul was so serious and my heart so hell bent on being 100% open once an for all that it pushed me to have open heart surgery. I was a peace with it. What an exquisite message! My body was sawed open so that everyone in the operating room could see my heart, exposed and vulnerable! And the doctors first response “That is the most beautiful, healthiest heart he had ever seen doing this surgery. He had done over a thousand open heart surgery. Most hearts by this point did not look healthy, nor did they look beautiful.

My Heart did because I have a beautiful, healthy heart. It did what it did, not to kill me, but because it wanted to be open and seen. My heart craved love but I didn’t feel safe enough to let it in. This was the only way it was going to happen.

I have met my beautiful heart, learned what I needed to learn, let go of fear, sopped running and started listening and my life has transformed.

I am ready to let love in!

IMG_5305

A Grateful Heart is Magnetic to Miracles

IMG_2716

Breaking a pattern, a very old pattern.

I posted this on my Facebook page after having Open Heart surgery.

For the last two weeks my kids have been supporting me while I heal, being with me, making meals, doing things I can’t do. My son leaves tomorrow and I will be on my own. I woke up thinking ‘now what?’

My pattern, which started when I was sick at age four, is to move into super human mode and take care of myself. Pushing through things that I really shouldn’t be doing because there isn’t anyone else to do them. I know why I do it and where it came from.

I don’t want to continue this pattern. It is very lonely and not the best thing for healing. I have done it through a number of serious physical issues and I don’t want to do it again.

It has been two weeks today since I had open heart surgery. I am recovering nicely yet there are a lot of things I still can’t do and I am tired and still in pain. I am having trouble with my eyes so I can’t read or paint. I don’t want to sit in front of the television all day.

So to break this pattern I am asking any of my twin cities friends to come by and visit. Maybe have tea, bring your favorite movie and we can watch It together or just have a nice visit. We could play in my sound healing room and both benefit too. I need to play with friends ❤️

I need company, human interaction, help and healing vibes. I do alone very well. This healing journey is asking for a different approach. A heart centered approach where I let people support me and don’t fall into do it alone…again.

Send me a private message if you would like to hang out ❤️

PS. This isn’t easy for me to do.

I was overwhelmed by the positive responses I got to this message.

Acceptance and gratitude have been my words since open heart surgery.

Gratitude for the outpouring of support I have gotten from so many people. My heart feels full and I know that all will be well. So many positive things I never expected happened. Messages from friends and the universe that everything would turn out in my favor. Being in gratitude makes my heart happy.

I have known since the third heart attack that letting go of resistance would be my heart’s healing balm but that is easier said than done when your life is on the line.

My resistance took the form of finding an answer, finding the solution to the issue my heart had, doing something different that would change everything. It felt like I was being proactive but really it was a form of resisting and not accepting what was happening. Don’t get me wrong, that was also what I needed in order to survive. But so was acceptance. Acceptance and resistance could have danced in a more balanced way.

The irony here is my body was resisting the stents at the same time. Every one of them closed off very quickly. My heart suffered in my resistance and it is thriving, and will continue to thrive in my acceptance and I feel so much peace.

My friend Dawn and I had a long conversation last night and she said “what do you think they are bypassing?” I didn’t even have to think and said “My resistance!” This bypass is symbolic of my process of letting go.

Think about your own resistance to living fully. It might not look how you think it looks.

Thank you to everyone! Your, comments, ❤️’s 😮’s👍🏼’s, phone calls, private messages, visits, posts on my wall have all meant so much to me. I know I have a huge support team here and in other realms that will make surgery a huge success and give me my life back. Thank you from the bottom, top and middle of my heart. ❤️🌹😍

 

 

Can We Really let go of Resistance?

IMG_2715

Letting go of resistance… that has been my focus since the 3rd heart attack in January. As soon as I declared my focus I could see resistance every where. In myself and everyone else.

When you are being challenged, in my case physically, you try to get some level of control so to feel like you are “doing something” to change your situation. I.e. Make it go away. We want a sense of power.

So for most of this 2017 I danced with my resistance.

(An aside. I thought I had gotten really good at letting go long ago. I had not)

The subtleties of resistance are exquisite.

5 days before I had open heart surgery in Nov 2017 I woke up at peace.

I was not at peace the day before. The last thing I wanted to do was have my chest cut open! Have my heart exposed. I was angry that all the work I had done over the past 25 years and intensely for the last 2, to get healthy on all levels had led to this.

That morning I knew this was the right decision for my body. I didn’t question that, I wasn’t worried, I didn’t research the procedure to see how it was done and what might happen because of it. I didn’t care.

This was my experience and it would turn out in the best way for me. Not how it turned out for everyone else.

And that peace has remained. I don’t need to figure out what past life, what wrong thoughts, what karma, what bad food created this or why it is happening to me. It doesn’t matter. (PS…all of that figuring out, that’s resistance!)

It is happening and I am experiencing it. The heavy pressure and pain on my chest when I wake up, the delicious taste of homemade food in my mouth, the pain in my leg when I walk, the love and care of my kids taking care of me, laughing my ass off with my family at thanksgiving (that also had a huge element of pain) all of it.

I am reveling in all of it. I am embracing this experience in the moment. I no longer care what the research says, what the metaphor is or what it means because of the law of attraction, or what it means about me as a person, or what is the lesson or what other people think about me because of this experience.

I am at peace and that is allowing my body to do its magic.

All the work I had done on all levels over the past 25 years had led me here.

Part of my healing Practice is to be present with everything. When I can do that it move through quickly. I am acknowledging what is happening, not complaining about it. If I ignore it it hangs around. I made a commitment at the beginning of the year to stay out of resistance. I have had many opportunities to see where I want to resist what was happening.

I believe all feelings are neutral and serve a purpose. I don’t believe that some are negative and some are positive and the negative ones should be transcended.

So I allow myself to be present with what is happening in the moment. Some days are easier to embrace others are not.

What we resist persists.

being present with impatience, frustration, boredom and a 2 year long journey of my heart to renew itself, hasn’t been easy. My heart has been my greatest teacher for the past two years. I am not the same woman who started this journey On the 2016 Equinox.

I will feel something different.

This is why I am healing so quickly. I am present for myself and embracing what the day, the hour the moment brings. This isn’t easy because we are taught to find ways to escape from our challenges when in fact they are our greatest teachers.

It is all fertile ground for my to grow.

The path of least resistance and the art of allowance are two practices that lead to wellbeing. Allowing what is ( what you can see, taste, touch, feel, hear) without resistance as you hold space for possibility is a level of mastery we haven’t been taught. I am learning as I go.

Our bodies have amazing wisdom to return us to wellbeing if we get out of the way. (The desire to control is so strong in humans!) I have watched my body recover very quickly as I have allowed and embraced this process, which is messy, organic, up and down, backwards and forwards, graceful and awkward.

I am learning through this process how to apply this self loving practice to the whole of my life. It would be amazingly freeing to live organically and trust the process, wouldn’t it?