My Psyche’s Journey

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I have posted this painting before but I am learning more about it…

As many of you know, my artwork is prophetic. The message may be for someone else but often times it’s for me. Many times there are layers of meaning, as people who I have done soul portraits find out.

I woke up thinking about this painting. When I painted it In Spain in Nov 2015, I thought it was Psyche floating over the River Styx at the end of a journey, which it was at the time, but it turns out to be the beginning of a journey too.

Psyche and Eros is an epic love story. In the story Psyche is given four tasks that she must complete in order to love and marry Eros. The tasks are life threatening or impossible and it is Venus’ hope that one of them will kill her, which they didn’t because she found a way to get through each of them. She came out stronger and more determined with each task.

Not long after painting this painting I started the epic journey of my heart. My four tasks were three heart attacks and open heart surgery. All of them life threatening tasks. Each one of them difficult yet transformed me and made me stronger.  Like Psyche I didn’t know the next task was coming and I wasn’t sure I could complete each task

Just like Psyche my impossible journey has opened my heart to love again. For many years I was in conflict about love. A big part of me wanted a partner and another part of me was committed to staying single until hell froze over. I had done 30 years worth of personal work and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t in a relationship.  There was good reason that I chose to protect my heart in that way and in the end I had to have my heart opened surgically.

After I had the first heart attack the inner conflict became very clear to me. There was no way I was going to attract anyone with that program running. My aura was sending that message out to every man who came near me. It took Four difficult, life threatening tasks to clear it out.

Now I am ready to love again.

 

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Prophetic Art

I am posting this because it is a beautiful painting but because I noticed something interesting that I didn’t see before that is very profound. I hope you read the interpretation.

I am a visionary artist, so much of my artwork is prophetic. I paint my vision from a higher perspective. When I paint I am not thinking about what is coming through, I just listen and painted what I “hear” and “see” at a higher level.

I painted this on November 4th. If you look at the right side of the heart it looks like there is a bypass coming out of the side. It actually goes up and connects into the DNA/Tree of Life. I found out on the 8th that I needed to have the bypass, so 4 days after I painted this.

The painting is full of beauty, new beginnings (the eggs), Life (the tree of Life) and change ( the number 5) fertility (the earth) and it says that I am going to be amazing after the surgery. Life is actually coming out of the arteries in the form of eggs. The DNA is transforming into the tree of life. The crystalline core of the earth is sending energy to the heart. WOW!

I usually don’t get messages this fast, sometimes it takes years for me to understand what a painting is saying. This might not have meaning to anyone else but it is profoundly healing to me.

This message makes me really happy and gives me a lot of peace. I am so blessed to have this prophetic gift.

Update…

The base of the DNA in the painting that goes into the heart is almost the same as the actual bypass. See the drawing of the surgery on the heart pillow drawn by my surgeon. So the bypass has opened me to a new level of life.

Figuring Things out is Just Resistance

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We are taught to “figure things out” in our lives. I have gotten really good at it over the years. Until I realized that “figuring things out” was resisting what is and creating a story. What does this mean, what does that mean? Storytelling is our way of making sense of things but it takes us out of the moment and being in acceptance of the present.

I have learned through this heart journey that I might think I know what is going on and what it all means, but I don’t really know. Anything I decide is just speculation and storytelling so I feel a sense of control, power and safety.

My recent bypass stripped that all away. My heart was “opened, exposed and vulnerable ” both literally and metaphorically. I have surrendered my need to know and understand what it means and am allowing what is, the good, the bad, the ugly, it’s all part of the experience. Because of this surrender I am healing quickly and know in my heart I will recover completely.

I am at peace and in that peace all things are possible.

Toxic Reaction to Drug Eluding Stents

 

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Today is my son’s birthday. Last year on his birthday I had to call him a second time to tell him I had another heart attack. That heart attack might have been prevented if the doctors had listened to me.

When I had the heart attack in Austria the doctor who did the angioplasty told me that the reason for that heart attack was because my body had an allergic reaction to the medication on the stent. He did not put new stents in. He went as far as to put a new medication in the stent to see if it would keep it open. He told me he was making this decision on my behalf. I believed him then and I still do.

When I saw the cardiologist here and told him what I was told he said it wasn’t true, I must have misunderstood the doctor or what the doctor said was wrong and that never happens. He refused to listen to me and argued with me for several minutes. When I had the heart attack a year ago today he put 3 more of the same stents in that I had reacted to. I couldn’t say anything about it because I was under anesthesia. When they all closed up in November he wondered why it kept happening.

There is actually a warning about this on the label. He should have known the possible side effects.

**Please don’t get the idea that you shouldn’t do stents because of what happened to me. Millions of people have stents placed in there hearts, and most don’t have problems. So I am not saying this to worry people. They do save lives. A reaction like this is usually unlikely to happen. There are alternatives to stents if you don’t have serious blockages.

What bothers me is the “one size fits all approach” that I have experienced, and how hard it is in the system to advocate for yourself. They say “we had to put stents in and here are the five medications you need to take.” My body is very sensitive to pharmaceuticals, and doesn’t do well with them. I had allergic reactions to 3 of the 5 medications they gave me and the medication on the stents. Before the 1st heart attack I had taken minimal pharmaceuticals.

Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself of have someone else do it if you can. I advocate for less invasive options first when at all possible.

I put a link to an article about the body rejecting stents and a link to the warnings about the stents I had.

References:

Ignorance based cardiology :How often a coronary artery reject a stent ?

http://circ.ahajournals.org/content/109/6/701.full?maxtoshow=&HITS=10&hits=10&RESULTFORMAT=&fulltext=stent%20%2527allergy%2522%20&searchid=1&FIRSTINDEX=0&resourcetype=HWCIT

I had Boston Scientific Stents. Here are the warnings about them. http://www.bostonscientific.com/en-US/products/stents–coronary/promus-premier-stent-system/promus-premier-indications.html

 

Fifth Chamber of the Heart

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Title: 5th Chamber of the heart.

About 12 hours before I had the first heart attack, on the Spring Equinox of 2016, I had a dream. In the dream, other worldly beings put a star tetrahedron in my heart and a vesica Pisces in my womb. I thought it had something to do with the Equinox. That was how this 18 month heart exploration and transformation began. This painting is the energetic depiction of that journey and where I am now.

Sacred geometry actives this whole process. That is why this is the most profound personal painting I have ever done.

Follow up image…the next step

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The Cosmic Womb

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Heart healing painting #12

I did it! It took me four times more time than normal but I finished it!

There is a lot going on in this painting and because it is visionary I don’t always know right away what it is saying.

This is what I know so far…

This was inspired by the idea that the heart is the first organ to form in the early stages of the fetus. So this heart is in the womb with an umbilical cord connected to the cosmic womb of the Divine Feminine. I feel that the heart continues to have a direct connection with the Divine and receives information all of the time from Source if we listen and pay attention.

PS. I painted this without being able to see very well.

Thank you 2017!

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Thank you 2017!
Some would look at the year I just experienced and say “Good riddance 2017”. It was painful, challenging, frightening and frustrating and filled with loss, yet the blessings I received diving into 2017 whole heartedly( pun intended) far out weigh the difficult experiences. I am not the same.
It was a deep dive into my authentic being.
I discovered parts of myself that were lost and long forgotten and released parts that no longer served me.
✨I learned about Love on a deeper level.
✨I learned how to be authentically me and that it’s okay to think differently and challenge the status quo.
✨I discovered what a true friend looks like and released those people no longer in alignment.
✨I learned the true meaning of letting go and going with the flow and how peaceful that feels.
✨I let go of old stories that were just stories. (stories we tell ourselves are just stories)
✨I learned to quietly listen to my soul and trust what it was saying.
✨I learned how to appreciate the small things with gratitude and watch them grow into big things.
✨I learned that you can love a tree and it will love you back.🌳
✨I learned that the love and adoration that comes towards me from two orange tabbies is more than enough a lot of the time. 😻😻
✨I learned that when it feels like I have nothing I am really surrounded by abundance if I open to it.
✨I learned that I have tons of friends around the world who hold me in love. Thank you all ❤️
Most of all I learned what it feels like to have an open heart ❤️ (Yes, I had to go to the extreme to do that, it takes what it takes!) My mind and heart are now working together, not working in opposing directions.

Some might imagine that 2017 has been a difficult year for me, which it has, yet it opened a new, expansive, peaceful reality that I couldn’t have gotten to any other way. To say my heart has been opened is an understatement.

I know presence, non-resistance, flow, peace and endless possibilities in a way that I couldn’t imagine.

There is no need to “figure things out”, make things happen, create stories so I think I understand. All of that is resistance and it blocks the flow.

It also doesn’t mean just letting things happen to me. It means lining up with all that is in my highest and best and moving joyfully with it, with an attitude of gratitude. It means becoming the flow and making inspired choices and taking inspired action.

This is freedom…
So thank you, 2017 and 2016 for all of the gifts. Would I want to do those years again? NO! It was a lot of terrible too! Yet I am grateful I did them once and I am carrying all of the gifts with me into 2018 and beyond.

Releasing the Armor to Love

My heart was in jail and I didn’t know it! 

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The armor on my heart had to be broken open, in an aggressive way because on a deep level I wouldn’t allow it to come off. I had experienced more than enough heart break, one of them almost costing my life. With each heart break the armor grew. I could risk my life again for love.

My protection became so much a part of me that I forgot it was there.

I wanted to find love and be in a relationship. I read all the books I could get my hands on about conscious love and relationships. I became the person I wanted to attract, yet nothing happened. I was frustrated with having done the work and seeing no results. I didn’t attract anyone nor did I find anyone I was attracted to.  This went on for many years. So many I can’t remember the number.  It didn’t make sense.

My heart and soul had other plans…

Ah it was the armor that I had forgotten about! It was not only protecting me but was sending out mixed signal to everyone I met. “I want to be in a relationship ” and ” I can stay single till hell freezes over, I don’t need a man.”

Then the heart attacks started. It would take that kind of force to show me what was going on! My heart wanted to be heard, and I wasn’t listening. It didn’t want to pretend any longer that I could live without love. It also couldn’t deal with with my inner conflict about love and relationships.

It would take 3 heart attacks and open heart surgery to break my heart open!

This became a two year journey.  I didn’t need books to learn about love and relationships. I needed to develop a relationship with my heart to learn the secrets.

Each heart attack cracked me open and took me to a deeper level of understanding. Heart attacks 1 and 3 were not just heart attacks, but included stress induced cardiomyopathy also known as Broken Heart Syndrome. People die from this. I got the metaphor loud and clear each time.  This wasn’t about dying for me or I would be here with all I went through.

What I learned with each event was stunning and each time I gained new wisdom and my heart got lighter and more open.

Three heart attacks in 10 months took me on a painful journey within, to release what was in the way so I could see the path to love and desire it wholeheartedly.

My soul was so serious and my heart so hell bent on being 100% open once an for all that it pushed me to have open heart surgery. I was a peace with it. What an exquisite message! My body was sawed open so that everyone in the operating room could see my heart, exposed and vulnerable! And the doctors first response “That is the most beautiful, healthiest heart he had ever seen doing this surgery. He had done over a thousand open heart surgery. Most hearts by this point did not look healthy, nor did they look beautiful.

My Heart did because I have a beautiful, healthy heart. It did what it did, not to kill me, but because it wanted to be open and seen. My heart craved love but I didn’t feel safe enough to let it in. This was the only way it was going to happen.

I have met my beautiful heart, learned what I needed to learn, let go of fear, sopped running and started listening and my life has transformed.

I am ready to let love in!

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A Grateful Heart is Magnetic to Miracles

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Breaking a pattern, a very old pattern.

I posted this on my Facebook page after having Open Heart surgery.

For the last two weeks my kids have been supporting me while I heal, being with me, making meals, doing things I can’t do. My son leaves tomorrow and I will be on my own. I woke up thinking ‘now what?’

My pattern, which started when I was sick at age four, is to move into super human mode and take care of myself. Pushing through things that I really shouldn’t be doing because there isn’t anyone else to do them. I know why I do it and where it came from.

I don’t want to continue this pattern. It is very lonely and not the best thing for healing. I have done it through a number of serious physical issues and I don’t want to do it again.

It has been two weeks today since I had open heart surgery. I am recovering nicely yet there are a lot of things I still can’t do and I am tired and still in pain. I am having trouble with my eyes so I can’t read or paint. I don’t want to sit in front of the television all day.

So to break this pattern I am asking any of my twin cities friends to come by and visit. Maybe have tea, bring your favorite movie and we can watch It together or just have a nice visit. We could play in my sound healing room and both benefit too. I need to play with friends ❤️

I need company, human interaction, help and healing vibes. I do alone very well. This healing journey is asking for a different approach. A heart centered approach where I let people support me and don’t fall into do it alone…again.

Send me a private message if you would like to hang out ❤️

PS. This isn’t easy for me to do.

I was overwhelmed by the positive responses I got to this message.

Acceptance and gratitude have been my words since open heart surgery.

Gratitude for the outpouring of support I have gotten from so many people. My heart feels full and I know that all will be well. So many positive things I never expected happened. Messages from friends and the universe that everything would turn out in my favor. Being in gratitude makes my heart happy.

I have known since the third heart attack that letting go of resistance would be my heart’s healing balm but that is easier said than done when your life is on the line.

My resistance took the form of finding an answer, finding the solution to the issue my heart had, doing something different that would change everything. It felt like I was being proactive but really it was a form of resisting and not accepting what was happening. Don’t get me wrong, that was also what I needed in order to survive. But so was acceptance. Acceptance and resistance could have danced in a more balanced way.

The irony here is my body was resisting the stents at the same time. Every one of them closed off very quickly. My heart suffered in my resistance and it is thriving, and will continue to thrive in my acceptance and I feel so much peace.

My friend Dawn and I had a long conversation last night and she said “what do you think they are bypassing?” I didn’t even have to think and said “My resistance!” This bypass is symbolic of my process of letting go.

Think about your own resistance to living fully. It might not look how you think it looks.

Thank you to everyone! Your, comments, ❤️’s 😮’s👍🏼’s, phone calls, private messages, visits, posts on my wall have all meant so much to me. I know I have a huge support team here and in other realms that will make surgery a huge success and give me my life back. Thank you from the bottom, top and middle of my heart. ❤️🌹😍