Letting go of resistance… that has been my focus since the 3rd heart attack in January. As soon as I declared my focus I could see resistance every where. In myself and everyone else.
When you are being challenged, in my case physically, you try to get some level of control so to feel like you are “doing something” to change your situation. I.e. Make it go away. We want a sense of power.
So for most of this 2017 I danced with my resistance.
(An aside. I thought I had gotten really good at letting go long ago. I had not)
The subtleties of resistance are exquisite.
5 days before I had open heart surgery in Nov 2017 I woke up at peace.
I was not at peace the day before. The last thing I wanted to do was have my chest cut open! Have my heart exposed. I was angry that all the work I had done over the past 25 years and intensely for the last 2, to get healthy on all levels had led to this.
That morning I knew this was the right decision for my body. I didn’t question that, I wasn’t worried, I didn’t research the procedure to see how it was done and what might happen because of it. I didn’t care.
This was my experience and it would turn out in the best way for me. Not how it turned out for everyone else.
And that peace has remained. I don’t need to figure out what past life, what wrong thoughts, what karma, what bad food created this or why it is happening to me. It doesn’t matter. (PS…all of that figuring out, that’s resistance!)
It is happening and I am experiencing it. The heavy pressure and pain on my chest when I wake up, the delicious taste of homemade food in my mouth, the pain in my leg when I walk, the love and care of my kids taking care of me, laughing my ass off with my family at thanksgiving (that also had a huge element of pain) all of it.
I am reveling in all of it. I am embracing this experience in the moment. I no longer care what the research says, what the metaphor is or what it means because of the law of attraction, or what it means about me as a person, or what is the lesson or what other people think about me because of this experience.
I am at peace and that is allowing my body to do its magic.
All the work I had done on all levels over the past 25 years had led me here.
Part of my healing Practice is to be present with everything. When I can do that it move through quickly. I am acknowledging what is happening, not complaining about it. If I ignore it it hangs around. I made a commitment at the beginning of the year to stay out of resistance. I have had many opportunities to see where I want to resist what was happening.
I believe all feelings are neutral and serve a purpose. I don’t believe that some are negative and some are positive and the negative ones should be transcended.
So I allow myself to be present with what is happening in the moment. Some days are easier to embrace others are not.
What we resist persists.
being present with impatience, frustration, boredom and a 2 year long journey of my heart to renew itself, hasn’t been easy. My heart has been my greatest teacher for the past two years. I am not the same woman who started this journey On the 2016 Equinox.
I will feel something different.
This is why I am healing so quickly. I am present for myself and embracing what the day, the hour the moment brings. This isn’t easy because we are taught to find ways to escape from our challenges when in fact they are our greatest teachers.
It is all fertile ground for my to grow.
The path of least resistance and the art of allowance are two practices that lead to wellbeing. Allowing what is ( what you can see, taste, touch, feel, hear) without resistance as you hold space for possibility is a level of mastery we haven’t been taught. I am learning as I go.
Our bodies have amazing wisdom to return us to wellbeing if we get out of the way. (The desire to control is so strong in humans!) I have watched my body recover very quickly as I have allowed and embraced this process, which is messy, organic, up and down, backwards and forwards, graceful and awkward.
I am learning through this process how to apply this self loving practice to the whole of my life. It would be amazingly freeing to live organically and trust the process, wouldn’t it?