The Heart as Chrysalis

Watercolor painting by Katelyn Mariah Oct 2017


Heart Attacks

are the Great Excavator

if you allow them to work their magic.

They will take you on a transformational and metamorphosis like no other.

They will shake you to your core, strip you down, crack you open, throw you down, turn you into goo and send you back into the world like a new butterfly.

It’s a hell of a process!

you will look like you don’t know what you are doing,

people will think you are unevoled because you have raw emotions,

You will be judged and tossed aside and want you to “just get over it”, clearing the way for your real tribe to emerge.

It will be raw and messy, you will wish you were dead, want to give up, try to run away. If you do you will miss your greatest opportunity.

It takes deep courage and radical self care to take the journey.




The Inner Marriage

inner marriage
The Inner Marriage Collage by Katelyn Mariah

The pearl represents the union of masculine and feminine. The pearl is said to be formed of male fire/lightning and female water. More poetically said it is the merging of water and moonlight, a metaphor for the inner marriage creates pearls. The creation of a pearl inside of the clam is an alchemical process where one thing is transformed into something new.

Alchemy, best know as the age-old science of turning base metal, such as lead into gold. The same alchemical process happens in each of us as we turn what we perceive to be our biggest weaknesses into our greatest strength. In mystical tradition, it is metaphoric for a path of self-knowledge and transformation.  The symbols of alchemy lie deep in the collective consciousness. Pearl diving can be viewed as an alchemical process as is the inner marriage. The raw materials, which are the hidden aspects of the self, are discovered and transmuted into a beautiful new power and aspect of the self.

This alchemical process occurs within us every time we dive to our dive to our depths in search of that inner pearl.  If we are diligent and honest we can discover disowned parts of ourselves and change them magically into gold pearls.  We can find the things within us that are not working and make pearls of them.

June Birthstone Pearl 2

Many traditions suggest that deep in man’s psyche is an imprinted image of the ideal man. The same is true for women.  That image is subject to cultural change.  One wonders where it came from in the first place.  What characterizes the image of present-day man? What is the image of the new man and new woman, the one that is unfolding in the present day as we stand on the edge of change? Is this image a reflection coming from Source that tells us we are divine and perfect as we are?  That is what I am picking up.

The inner image can manifest as the dream lover, which is the person we feel would complete our soul. We want someone who will understand us, love and accept us and that would set us free so we could soar and express what is inside of us and give voice to our soul. The image of the ideal lover can take us away from reality and put unrealistic expectations on the lovers that do come into our lives.   That process has to happen within us first. I know that I have believed in a soul mate and there were many years where I chased after that illusive person who was going to complete me because I believed it was outside of me. I often found willing and unwilling people to play that part for me as I quested for wholeness.

A friend said to me once ” You are always very invested in some magical relationship or the pursuit of one or the fantasizing of one…how is that going on the love front?” It made me laugh because he was the object of one of my romantic fantasies at one time. I responded ” I gave up on magical thinking. It caused me too much trouble. Gosh, I have a fertile imagination!  I wish I would have channeled all of that energy into some steamy romance novel!  It would have been a best seller and I could have been rich by now.”

After a number of relationships that didn’t work I stopped chasing the fantasy and decided to find out who I was, which is when the process of inner marriage began for me.

My personal inner marriage had to take place while I was out of a relationship and alone. Little did I know it would take 12 years!

I think that most people can remember a time when they saw someone across the room and before the end of the evening they were married with children, in their mind. I was at home one day with my son and daughter and a group of their friends, all young people in their twenties.  Out of curiosity I asked ” has anyone ever made up a relationship in their mind?  I thought maybe I was the only weirdo that did that kind of thing. Everyone there said they had.  My son told me he had been married three times in his mind and my daughter had too and that I had a lot of grandchildren!  I did some of my greatest transformational work in fantasy relationships because of the angst it put me through!

It is not an outer partner who makes us complete.  We feel complete when balance occurs within us. The true inner marriage takes place inside of us when masculine and feminine unite. Balancing the feminine and masculine in the human soul lies at the heart of the processes of inner transformation.  Through this process we can rediscover our wild nature which is our true essence.

To know yourself is the path to conscious living, for in knowing who your are and accepting yourself completely with all of the strengths and weaknesses having equal status you can accept other’s completely and have compassion. You have healthy boundaries where you can set limits and also allow others to be in communion with you.

The process of the inner marriage begins when you realize that you do have a treasure within that is the pearl of your beauty.  The decision to explore the inner landscape takes a great deal of courage.  Many are not willing to go on that journey but those who do are greeted with unexpected surprises.  We may fear the worst and discover the best. We will discover lost parts of ourselves and enter into a marriage within that can lead us to find our equal in a partner in the outer world.  Pearls await you if you are willing to dive deeply and discover your wild nature.

I encourage you to dive in and go on this journey of self love…


Horse: A Symbol of Inner Strength.



“Horse spirit animals are likely to represent your inner strength and driving force in life. A typical symbolism for the horse is one of an animal representing physical strength, vitality, but also our psychological or emotional ability to go on in life.

Depending on what this spirit animal means to you, it could symbolize your ability to overcome obstacles in life and pursue your goal no matter what may stand on your way.”

The horse in the photo was hand carved in Chili.  The story surrounding it coming to me is very interesting.

I was in Chile working with my friend, LuzClara, who is a medicine woman. I had taken a group of 9 women to work with LuzClara in the Andes Mountains.   We had been up in the mountains camping out for a few days when we decided to take a 20 mile day trip higher into the mountains to a sacred cave.

My horse and I were about middle of the line of horses slowly climbing up the mountain.  I have to admit that my fear of heights was engaged because out path was about a foot wide and the drop to the right of us was several thousand feet.  These horses had walked this path many times and knew what they were doing, but it was still nerve wracking.

About an hour into the ride something extremely frightening happened to me.  Out of no where my horse stood up on it’s back legs, not once but 3 times and on the final time it turned around so I was facing the women on horses behind me.  Remember we are on a very narrow path and I could fall thousands of feet to my death.

Something happened to me that was very amazing.  The moment the horse stood up something came over me, all of my fear dissolved and I was in my peaceful center. This was divine intervention for if I had gone into fear and the horse had sensed it we would have felt of the mountainside together and died.

I believe this happened to me for several reasons.  First it showed the women in my group that anything could happen and we were still safe because our guides came up along side me very quickly and calmed my horse.  The second reason was this was an initiation for me to show me my inner strength and power and how strong I really was.

Remember, even in fear we can find our center and over come challenge.

On the day we were leaving for the airport to come home we stopped to shop in the market. In one of the last shops we came upon I could see this carved horse in the window.  I had to buy it no matter what the cost because it was an exact replica of the horse I was riding in the mountains that day.

It is my symbol of inner strength and freedom!

You are Amazing!


EVERYONE should wake up every morning, look in the mirror and say this to themselves. Imagine if we had been taught this practice as children. Life would be so different.

You might find this hard to believe but I use to be one of the most negative people on the planet. My amazingness had been sucked out of me by life.

One day I decided I wanted to change that and gave myself the task of finding all of the positive things that happened and write them down. It took me several days to find the first positive thing. I kept looking…At some point I reached a tipping point and my life changed. It took persistence. I don’t have to search any more I see them all of the time!

My positive attitude comes from a real place that I had to dig deep to find.

For me to recognize that I am amazing is one of my collection of miracles.

Start today, if you haven’t already, and find your amazingness!

I know it’s there!