I Understand…

45878471 - ruby-throated hummingbird in the garden
45878471 – ruby-throated hummingbird in the garden

Hummingbirds gifts include the ability to heal by using light as a laser from mouth, endurance over long journeys, ability to fly into small places to heal, joy, happiness, love, timelessness, and the ability to do the impossible.

I understand why people want to give up when they are going through a long health crisis.  I can even understand why someone in this circumstance would commit suicide, though I haven’t thought of it myself.

I felt like giving up many times. There were also times when I wished I wasn’t here.

I understand going from living a life where you were healthy and didn’t have to worry about money to having health and money the thing always on your mind.

I went from healthy and having money. I could travel and buy things when I needed them. I could donate money to friends in need and causes that I supported. And then I experienced a life-threatening illness and lose all the money I had.

I understand the fear, the pain, the frustration and anger at a situation that seems like it will never end.

I understand the fear of going to sleep not knowing if you will wake up again.

I understand going through this alone because you don’t have a partner.

I understand the embarrassment of not being able to take care of your basic needs. I understand being behind on your mortgage fearing you would lose your home.

I understand not being able to buy healthy food and supplements and treatment that will help you get well again because you have no money.

I understand waiting in line at the food shelf and being grateful to have food for a week even if it isn’t the healthiest food available.

I understand people judging you. I understand being misunderstood. I understand losing friends in the process.

I understand the frustration you feel when people have no idea what you are going through.

I understand fatigue, no energy, no motivation.

I understand being sick and having no money. I understand having a negative bank balance and no food.

I understand how alone you feel.

I understand why people want to give up. I understand why people want to die.

I also understand resilience. ❤️

I understand seeing a ray of hope and having that as the object of your focus. I understand it often shifts your thinking.

I understand what happens when you overcome your fear and embarrassment and ask for help. People want to help you. I understand how it feels to ask for money and what happens when you allow people to help you.

I understand diving deep into yourself to find what your illness is trying to tell you and how there is always a solution that will help you heal.

I understand how uplifting it is to have friends come to visit, make your meals, take you to dinner, give you money when you need it.

I understand believing in yourself and trusting the process even when it is difficult to do that. I have experienced miracles when I have let go.

i understand we have something higher than ourselves that is watching over us and has our back.

I understand we have Guides and angels ready to step in and help if we ask.

I understand accepting illness rather than fight it and how acceptance allows us to heal.

I understand everything about having a life-threatening illness and being in a financial crisis at the same time because I have experienced them both. I understand how hard it is. I am here to tell you,

Don’t give up ❤️

You are not alone 💜

Don’t be afraid to ask for help, or feel embarrassed if you have to. 🧡

You will get through this. 💚

You are resilient. 💙

You are loved. ❤️


A Joy Ride


Yesterday I went for a JOY RIDE! I didn’t know when I left the house that I was doing that.

Just to be clear this was not the joy ride of my youth when it meant a fast and dangerous ride in a stolen vehicle. It was different…

While I was driving I was thinking about one of the things I want to manifest and in that moment a hawk flew over the hood of my car in front of my window. 😮. Hawk is usually a messenger telling you to pay attention. I took it to mean there was positive attention on what I was thinking.

I drove a few more blocks and there was an eagle standing in its nest. In January? 🤔 I am pretty sure eagles don’t start to nest in January in Minnesota. Eagle conveys the powers and messages of the spirit; it is man’s connection to the divine because it flies higher than any other bird. The eagle brings the message of renewed life because it is associated with the east winds – the direction of spring, dawn and rebirth. Another message that I am moving in the right direction.🦅

When I got to the park the first thing I saw was in the photo. It looked so magical and touched by spirit.✨✨❄️

A little ways down the path is my tree, Gracie. 🌳 I leased my back against her and heard a knocking. I looked up and above me was a woodpecker. Woodpecker is a symbol for opportunity knocking. Another affirmation.

A couple of minutes later a boy and his mom 👩‍👦came by and he was pointing out all of the magic in the ice on the sidewalk. He showed me all of the hearts and then pointed to a mermaid. I got into the magic with him. As I was leaving mom looked at me put her hands together, bowed and said Namaste.

As you can see, the more I focus on joy, the more joy shows up!






I finished this book of my inner journey in words and pictures, all 63 pages. It took me just over a month. I have never done anything so integrating in my life. In fact I have never done anything like this before. Who would have thought I could learn so much from a misplaced parathyroid tumor!

The book is beautiful and magical.

Laughter is the best medicine!


Laughter has been my greatest medicine. On any given day if you call me or connect with me in person, no matter what mood I am in there will be laughter. Sometimes I see things clearer when I look through the lens of humor.

I think there is always something to laugh about, even in the back of an ambulance in a foreign country or in the Emergency Room if you are with me there will be something to laugh about.

I crack jokes with my cats and we all laugh. 😹😹
I love comedy, silly jokes, even groaners make me laugh.

We take life too seriously and that in itself is funny. Laughter isn’t a defense for me, it just feels good.

Even when I say I am in a mood at some point it just becomes funny. The other day when I posted about being in a mood, there was a lot of laughter at my house.

I never looked at the healing benefits of laughter before. Here is what I found;
Laughter relaxes the whole body. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.

Laughter boosts the immune system. Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease.

Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.

Laughter protects the heart. Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems.

Laughter burns calories. OK, so it’s no replacement for going to the gym, but one study found that laughing for 10 to 15 minutes a day can burn about 40 calories—which could be enough to lose three or four pounds over the course of a year.

Laughter lightens anger’s heavy load. Nothing diffuses anger and conflict faster than a shared laugh. Looking at the funny side can put problems into perspective and enable you to move on from confrontations without holding onto bitterness or resentment.

Laughter may even help you to live longer. A study in Norway found that people with a strong sense of humor outlived those who don’t laugh as much. The difference was particularly notable for those battling cancer.

Do you feel passionate about laughter? How does it help you?


Diving Deeper…

When I found out the Parathyroid Tumor was still there I realized there must be more inner work to do. Healing happens when we heal on all levels not just the physical.

I looked back at all of the Dissolving the tumor paintings and landed on this one.


This painting became the doorway for me to dive deeper.

I had a blank journal that was 8 x 8 and I began to paint. As a visionary artist I listen and follow the images as they are brought to me. You can see the emerging theme of transformation. Art is the language that my soul and consciousness understands and it takes me on a journey.

Since 11-8-2018 I have painted 54 pages that have taken me deeper and helped me integrate. This is a very private book that won’t be shown to others except for a few chosen pages.

It started with this page:


And 54 pages, 30 days and a lot of exploration I painted this today:



I feel closer to completion today and really believe that the tumor is gone. I feel that the paintings showing it gone before we’re ahead of the tumor going away physically. That is often the case with my art. It is prophetic.


Wander Lust…


I have traveled the world by myself. Finding my way in countries that didn’t speak my language. I learned so much about myself traveling alone.

I took 6 forms on transportation in Mexico to get to my destination in the mountains on one trip with out being able to speak the language and got to my destination. I was detained in the airport in Germany because they thought I had something suspicious in my bag and I had to trust that all was okay as they sort it out in German.

I always got where I was going.

I have learned so much more about myself with out leaving home the past 3 years. I think traveling the world prepared me for this inner journey. I have been in foriegn lands within myself and didn’t know the language. I have had to wait patiently while things got sorted out.

It’s not the destination but the journey that is most powerful. It’s about what rises from within to carry us where we are going.

I trust that the destination will be as magical as the lands I visited traveling the world.D2B01614-8EE6-4311-A4A8-6BEBB708440F

Letting Go…to open to the New.


“Holding on is believing that there is only a past; letting go is knowing there is a future “ Daphne Rose Kingma

The part about the butterfly’s transformation that fascinates me most is not so much it becoming the butterfly but how it becomes soup first. A soup that holds the vision for what it is becoming.

The transformation process is like that as we go from one version of ourselves to a new version. The in between part is an unknown mixture of things that holds a vision of what we are becoming.

This painting is the second Mischtechnik (oil and egg tempera)painting I finished. Painted in Ibiza, Spain, 2015. Title: Metamorphosis


It’s Easier to Hide than be Seen.


The way I have chosen to use Facebook is to allow people to watch my inner process as it unfolds, uncensored. This is unprecedented work because people don’t do this sort of thing on social media. They probably do do it in real life either.   It’s easier to look like you are all together and positive all of the time. I don’t know about you but I am not always positive and upbeat. I like to think I am a balance of both. Sounds human to me.

I have been called to do it differently. The books I write and what I share on social media are real, authentic, raw life as it unfolds. It makes some uncomfortable and others feel the connection to something in them.

I am living a human experience just like the rest of the humans on the planet. Some can relate to something I say or feel because we all feel these feelings at times in our lives. I am just saying it out loud. It’s through our openness, rawness and realness that we heal, not only ourselves but those watching who can take it in.

The problem in this kind of sharing is it is subject to interpretation which may or may not be accurate. People might think I am falling apart when I am not. People might thing I am broken when I am not. The interpretation is based on individual filters.  I am okay with that. If someone thinks I am crazy, oh well…

Vulnerability hasn’t always been easy for me. Trust me when I say it has taken 30 years of deep inner work to feel comfortable letting people see me when things might not be so great. One has to be comfortable with what is happening before they can say it out loud to other people. Shame, embarrassment and fear of judgment usually stop us from being authentic. I had to work through all of that.

I am on the planet to help empower others. I do that by sharing who I am. By sharing my struggles and my victories and by normalizing the whole human experience. It’s okay not to be okay all of the time. It doesn’t take away from your value. In fact being vulnerable increases our sense of love and belonging.

Sacred Garden


I woke up at 3 am with the words “Fertile Loam” in my head. It reminded me of another painting I did at around the same time as the one I posted yesterday. I love how my paintings continue to speak to me. This one was painting 18 years ago when it was speaking to me about something else and now it is informing my present moment.

This one is called Sacred Garden. It is a reflection of the beauty that can come from the compost of our lives. You can see the decay and also the beauty that is growing from it. The decay is as important to the process as the flowers.

I feel like I have been in the composting phase of my life. A lot of what wasn’t serving me has turned to decaying organic material that can nourish the new seeds that I want to plant. This part of the process isn’t fun. It’s tumors, heart issues, financial difficulties, the stuff of my life right now. The things that are going into the soil to make it fertile for new growth.

Thinking about the new seeds I want to plant in my life’s garden and what they will grow into is fun. What are those seeds and how do I define them so they can come into my reality?

Can you relate to this process ?