Responsibility

Responsibility. Isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.

I learned at a very young age the importance of being responsible for myself. ( 4 years old) I took it seriously! Over the years it became a highly developed skill. I was a single parent for 14 years. You become very responsible on that journey. You have to be responsible, brave and courage because little people are depending on you. I got to the point I could do anything! I could brave my way through any situation even if I was afraid, sick or had to do something I didn’t want to do. It becomes who you are and who others think you are. A double edged sword because everyone knows you can take care of yourself.

So a few weeks ago when I posted that I needed help and company because I wanted to break that pattern it was an act of bravery for that part of me that is responsible and can do anything. I posted even though it made me uncomfortable.

I had no idea how people would respond because I had never asked to find out. What a surprise! I have been showered with love, pampered, had healing sessions, several people have brought me groceries, one beautiful friend made a payment on my mortgage, one of my neighbors is shoveling my snow, several friends brought me lunch or dinner and shared it with me, I have had have visitors and got to go to the opening of my daughter’s opening for her photography show.

On another level, I have been blown away, not only because of the response but also by my ability to surrender my responsibility and open to receive, without feeling anything but gratitude.

My heart continues to teach me new ways of being, new ways to let go of control and resistance and be okay in every present moment. The last 21 months have been the hardest months of my life and the most transformational. I will never be the same and I am grateful!

Thank you to everyone who has been with me in friendship, both here on Facebook and present in my life bearing gifts for me. I love all of you. ❤️FC4152DD-57DD-4121-A2C4-A60F36221EA8-1867-0000039CC553E166

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A year of Joy!

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I don’t make resolutions, set intentions or goals for the New Year. I pick a word that I want to align with. 2017 word/words were “Let go of resistance ” and man did I have a lot of opportunities to do that. I am happy to say I have been able to embrace non-resistance this year.

The word I have picked for 2018 is Joy.

I want to learn about what joy is, discover how in shows up in my life, and integrate it in me.

The dictionary definition of joy is a feeling of great pleasure and happiness, delight, triumph and glee. The emotion evoked by well-being. That is one state of joy, as a human emotion.

A higher spiritual level of joy is acceptance of what is occurring in the present moment and allowing it with gratitude no matter what the experience. Joy is a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence, hope and trust. Joy is deep within and doesn’t leave quickly like happiness might.

One form isn’t better than the other, they just occur at different levels in us.

How do we know joy?

Joy can only be felt if you stay in the present. It isn’t the same as happiness, which some people think. It’s a peaceful acceptance of what is occurring in the present moment. It’s allowing with gratitude for the experience. That’s joy. It isn’t a simple state to maintain but it’s possible to. The truth is you only have the present moment. Thinking about the past or worrying about the future bypass the parent moment and keep you from joy. In joy you choose to be okay in the moment no matter what is going on.

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How do you set the tone for your new year? Do you sent intentions, make resolutions, create a vision board?

Thank you 2017!

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Thank you 2017!
Some would look at the year I just experienced and say “Good riddance 2017”. It was painful, challenging, frightening and frustrating and filled with loss, yet the blessings I received diving into 2017 whole heartedly( pun intended) far out weigh the difficult experiences. I am not the same.
It was a deep dive into my authentic being.
I discovered parts of myself that were lost and long forgotten and released parts that no longer served me.
✨I learned about Love on a deeper level.
✨I learned how to be authentically me and that it’s okay to think differently and challenge the status quo.
✨I discovered what a true friend looks like and released those people no longer in alignment.
✨I learned the true meaning of letting go and going with the flow and how peaceful that feels.
✨I let go of old stories that were just stories. (stories we tell ourselves are just stories)
✨I learned to quietly listen to my soul and trust what it was saying.
✨I learned how to appreciate the small things with gratitude and watch them grow into big things.
✨I learned that you can love a tree and it will love you back.🌳
✨I learned that the love and adoration that comes towards me from two orange tabbies is more than enough a lot of the time. 😻😻
✨I learned that when it feels like I have nothing I am really surrounded by abundance if I open to it.
✨I learned that I have tons of friends around the world who hold me in love. Thank you all ❤️
Most of all I learned what it feels like to have an open heart ❤️ (Yes, I had to go to the extreme to do that, it takes what it takes!) My mind and heart are now working together, not working in opposing directions.

Some might imagine that 2017 has been a difficult year for me, which it has, yet it opened a new, expansive, peaceful reality that I couldn’t have gotten to any other way. To say my heart has been opened is an understatement.

I know presence, non-resistance, flow, peace and endless possibilities in a way that I couldn’t imagine.

There is no need to “figure things out”, make things happen, create stories so I think I understand. All of that is resistance and it blocks the flow.

It also doesn’t mean just letting things happen to me. It means lining up with all that is in my highest and best and moving joyfully with it, with an attitude of gratitude. It means becoming the flow and making inspired choices and taking inspired action.

This is freedom…
So thank you, 2017 and 2016 for all of the gifts. Would I want to do those years again? NO! It was a lot of terrible too! Yet I am grateful I did them once and I am carrying all of the gifts with me into 2018 and beyond.

Releasing the Armor to Love

My heart was in jail and I didn’t know it! 

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The armor on my heart had to be broken open, in an aggressive way because on a deep level I wouldn’t allow it to come off. I had experienced more than enough heart break, one of them almost costing my life. With each heart break the armor grew. I could risk my life again for love.

My protection became so much a part of me that I forgot it was there.

I wanted to find love and be in a relationship. I read all the books I could get my hands on about conscious love and relationships. I became the person I wanted to attract, yet nothing happened. I was frustrated with having done the work and seeing no results. I didn’t attract anyone nor did I find anyone I was attracted to.  This went on for many years. So many I can’t remember the number.  It didn’t make sense.

My heart and soul had other plans…

Ah it was the armor that I had forgotten about! It was not only protecting me but was sending out mixed signal to everyone I met. “I want to be in a relationship ” and ” I can stay single till hell freezes over, I don’t need a man.”

Then the heart attacks started. It would take that kind of force to show me what was going on! My heart wanted to be heard, and I wasn’t listening. It didn’t want to pretend any longer that I could live without love. It also couldn’t deal with with my inner conflict about love and relationships.

It would take 3 heart attacks and open heart surgery to break my heart open!

This became a two year journey.  I didn’t need books to learn about love and relationships. I needed to develop a relationship with my heart to learn the secrets.

Each heart attack cracked me open and took me to a deeper level of understanding. Heart attacks 1 and 3 were not just heart attacks, but included stress induced cardiomyopathy also known as Broken Heart Syndrome. People die from this. I got the metaphor loud and clear each time.  This wasn’t about dying for me or I would be here with all I went through.

What I learned with each event was stunning and each time I gained new wisdom and my heart got lighter and more open.

Three heart attacks in 10 months took me on a painful journey within, to release what was in the way so I could see the path to love and desire it wholeheartedly.

My soul was so serious and my heart so hell bent on being 100% open once an for all that it pushed me to have open heart surgery. I was a peace with it. What an exquisite message! My body was sawed open so that everyone in the operating room could see my heart, exposed and vulnerable! And the doctors first response “That is the most beautiful, healthiest heart he had ever seen doing this surgery. He had done over a thousand open heart surgery. Most hearts by this point did not look healthy, nor did they look beautiful.

My Heart did because I have a beautiful, healthy heart. It did what it did, not to kill me, but because it wanted to be open and seen. My heart craved love but I didn’t feel safe enough to let it in. This was the only way it was going to happen.

I have met my beautiful heart, learned what I needed to learn, let go of fear, sopped running and started listening and my life has transformed.

I am ready to let love in!

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