Breaking a pattern, a very old pattern.
I posted this on my Facebook page after having Open Heart surgery.
For the last two weeks my kids have been supporting me while I heal, being with me, making meals, doing things I can’t do. My son leaves tomorrow and I will be on my own. I woke up thinking ‘now what?’
My pattern, which started when I was sick at age four, is to move into super human mode and take care of myself. Pushing through things that I really shouldn’t be doing because there isn’t anyone else to do them. I know why I do it and where it came from.
I don’t want to continue this pattern. It is very lonely and not the best thing for healing. I have done it through a number of serious physical issues and I don’t want to do it again.
It has been two weeks today since I had open heart surgery. I am recovering nicely yet there are a lot of things I still can’t do and I am tired and still in pain. I am having trouble with my eyes so I can’t read or paint. I don’t want to sit in front of the television all day.
So to break this pattern I am asking any of my twin cities friends to come by and visit. Maybe have tea, bring your favorite movie and we can watch It together or just have a nice visit. We could play in my sound healing room and both benefit too. I need to play with friends ❤️
I need company, human interaction, help and healing vibes. I do alone very well. This healing journey is asking for a different approach. A heart centered approach where I let people support me and don’t fall into do it alone…again.
Send me a private message if you would like to hang out ❤️
PS. This isn’t easy for me to do.
I was overwhelmed by the positive responses I got to this message.
Acceptance and gratitude have been my words since open heart surgery.
Gratitude for the outpouring of support I have gotten from so many people. My heart feels full and I know that all will be well. So many positive things I never expected happened. Messages from friends and the universe that everything would turn out in my favor. Being in gratitude makes my heart happy.
I have known since the third heart attack that letting go of resistance would be my heart’s healing balm but that is easier said than done when your life is on the line.
My resistance took the form of finding an answer, finding the solution to the issue my heart had, doing something different that would change everything. It felt like I was being proactive but really it was a form of resisting and not accepting what was happening. Don’t get me wrong, that was also what I needed in order to survive. But so was acceptance. Acceptance and resistance could have danced in a more balanced way.
The irony here is my body was resisting the stents at the same time. Every one of them closed off very quickly. My heart suffered in my resistance and it is thriving, and will continue to thrive in my acceptance and I feel so much peace.
My friend Dawn and I had a long conversation last night and she said “what do you think they are bypassing?” I didn’t even have to think and said “My resistance!” This bypass is symbolic of my process of letting go.
Think about your own resistance to living fully. It might not look how you think it looks.
Thank you to everyone! Your, comments, ❤️’s 😮’s👍🏼’s, phone calls, private messages, visits, posts on my wall have all meant so much to me. I know I have a huge support team here and in other realms that will make surgery a huge success and give me my life back. Thank you from the bottom, top and middle of my heart. ❤️🌹😍