I had a stress test yesterday to find the origin of my chest pain. I am told by my chiropractor that it is my ribs but my cardiologist wants to make sure it isn’t my heart.
The treadmill was cranked up to a 16% incline and 3 miles an hour and I was holding on for dear life ask I kept up the pace. My pain was a 10! I wanted to stop but I stayed with it because I wanted them to have the best idea of what was going on in my heart if anything.
My heart wasn’t happy but it was strong. It kept beating…
As the hospital cardiologist was talking to me I went someplace else after he said the test was abnormal. He said it could be coming from the small branch stent that they couldn’t open in Austria or it could be new blockage. I heard both of those things and my mind went into confusion. This is the kind of answer that always drives me crazy because it is nebulous and not definitive. He couldn’t tell me for sure what was wrong and said he didn’t have a crystal ball. Thanks dude! I wanted you to have a crystal ball! It would make things so much easier for me.
I left the hospital defeated. This wasn’t the outcome I was expecting. I was expecting good news. As I was driving I raised my hand in the air and shouted “Who the fuck can I trust?” I was angry. My inner guidance, which is a wiser part of me, had told me my heart was strong and healing and not to worry, so I didn’t. My inner guidance had told me this all along. Now this doctor is telling me the test was abnormal and there was something wrong and he wasn’t sure what it was.
I drove to the studio my daughter manages, because I needed someone to talk to and I knew she would be a good listener, she always is. I told her I wanted to give up, that this was too much and I didn’t want them digging around in my heart again! I just couldn’t do this any more.
I told her that my guidance had told me that my heart was strong and I was fine. She said, ask yourself. I said that is myself!!!
I blubbered and cried and said things a 4-year-old might say, because that is where I go when I am scared. She listened to me while managing the studio from the hallway. I blubbered while she signed for a package from UPS, while her boss handed her the phone for another phone call, while people came in and out of the hallway. I just cried and didn’t care who saw me.
As the day progressed I could feel myself feeling better, more calm, as this ball of thread unraveled. The theme of the year has been “Who can I trust if I can’t trust myself?” My inner knowing is about 99% accurate yet when it comes to personal information I often question it as though it was 1% accurate!! My inner knowing is my heart wisdom and my heart wants to be heard! It has been shouting at me for 9 months and giving me lessons in trust. Trying to flip the switch to 100% total trust, where it should be.
Socially many of us are taught to go to worse-case scenario. I often heard “don’t get your hopes up” when I was a kid. That’s crazy, what’s wrong with having high hopes.
I kept asking “How can I trust my guidance when the test says something else?” Other people who are highly intuitive told me my heart was strong and wasn’t going to block again. My heart told me the same thing.
The question took me deeper. And then it came to me, I was given two possible options and I had latched on to the worse-case scenario not what I already knew to be true. I was getting guidance from everyone including myself that everything was okay because it was! I knew that the small stent was still blocked. The doctor in Austria said it wouldn’t have an impact on my life expectancy so I shouldn’t worry about it, but it could cause me pain. He had given me a medicine for that and when I went to the Cardiologist here he said I didn’t need it.
I traced the pain back to soon after the second heart attack, when I was pulling my suitcases through the airport. I thought that was just part of the healing process. This pain eventually got mixed together with the rib pain that I was having. It had gotten better since I stopped lifting weights so I assumed my ribs were healing. But there was still that incline by my house. Not to steep but still caused me severe pain.
This pain and the abnormality on the Stress Test ( which they should rename by the way) couldn’t be a new blockage in the repaired stent. That would me that it closed back up right away. That wouldn’t make sense and it was getting better not worse.
This brings me back to TRUST! My inner guidance and the guidance of others was right. My heart was doing great. It wasn’t going to block again. I had so much going in my favor that it wasn’t possible that I was going backwards. The blocked stent was already part of the healing heart process. My body was learning how to accommodate it. This is what I have to trust because thinking about it in this way brought me a sense of peace and calm. It brought me back to love and gratitude, the energy that creates miracles. The energy that my heart wants me to be in. I have created miracles many times from this space in the past. I can do it again!!! And I will do it again!