Who or What is God?



This was the greatest gift I received from the second heart attack, an expansive opening to the Divine Masculine and Feminine.

I was raised Catholic as a child. I remember laying on the ground looking up at the sky and taking things away thinking, what if there were no trees, no birds, no sky, no earth, where is God if everything is gone.  It made no sense to me.

I was taught that God was a man, with a white beard and white robes who sat on a throne and all of us souls knelt in front of HIM and worshiped Him for eternity.  Even as a child that sounded really boring to me.  I was the only girl in my eighth grade class who didn’t want to be a nun.

God was a foreign concept to me.  He was a man who wasn’t very compassionate, was domineering, judgmental and punishing.  I remember when eating meat on Friday meant going to hell.  That didn’t seem like a loving God to me.

When I was 14 I decided that I felt closer to God sitting in a tree so I dropped out of the Catholic church. My father who was a convert to Catholicism didn’t speak to me for 3 months saying that I was going against the establishment.  I really wasn’t, I was just following my heart.

I have been trying to figure this out all of my life!  My disenchantment with the church made me resist organized religion.  Most religions are based on a Male God and that didn’t work for me.

In the early 1990’s I started painting The Goddess. (You can find the story in my book Empowered Health and Wellness: Embracing the Inner Physician)  I will briefly describe the experience.  I had been sick with a sore throat for several months and a spontaneous image came to me which I realized was The Goddess.  I painting 44 images that became a meditation deck called Awaken the Goddess.  It was a way to explore the Divine Feminine within.

Now we have the Goddess Movement, which leaves out God. Bringing back the Goddess who has been hidden for 2000 years.  But the Goddess has been with us all along.  We don’t need to bring her back.  She is here and so is God.  They can’t be separated!

My connection with the Goddess energy was a beginning but it still created a separation of the sexes.  The masculine and feminine were not seen as united in the understanding of God.  We had gone through the Women’s Liberation Movement and that made the separation even stronger.  Women began blaming men for all of their problems and saw men as flawed.  I could never understand women complaining about men all of the time.  They didn’t understand that their complaints were holding men hostage energetically to the very things women didn’t like in men!  The chasm of the sexes widened and we became independent and didn’t need each other.

I was trying to move away from separation and separation was being re-inforced.  I started painting my understanding of the Masculine Principle and the unity between Masculine and Feminine and painted about 60 images.  I still didn’t feel connected to what it meant.  It was still images of people and that didn’t make sense to me.

The New Age movement had a hand in shutting down my connection with God even further, because of the masculine connotations of God and because according to the movement ” we have everything we need within and to reach for God meant dependency. God was male and there wasn’t a female component.  I tried to believe that I had everything I needed within me and had conversations with my ” Divine Inner Genius” but began to realize this was just me putting total reliance on myself.  I didn’t need anyone, not even God because the New Age Movement said I didn’t.  I could hold out my hand and say “om” and what ever I visualized would appear in my hand, right?I

I had the first heart attack in March of 2016.  I realized that my heart was closed down, I was protecting a part of me that no longer needed protection and I had become ultra-independent.  This heart attack opening my heart to love for myself and others that I had never experienced.  It also balanced the masculine and feminine within me.

In August of 2016 I was in Austria doing a month long painting seminar when I had a second heart attack. I was in the Emergency Room when I realized I had opened up to the Mother/Father God and was having a conversation.  These conversations continued while I was in the hospital for 6 days and still continue.  The energy from the conversations and the information I receive is like nothing I have felt before.

I realized that the second heart attack was meant to open my heart and balance the Masculine and Feminine in a sacred way, with the understanding that I am part of something greater.  I am still trying to understand this but I do understand the the first heart attack was the integration of the human masculine and feminine principles and the second heart attack was the integration of the Divine Feminine and Masculine Principles.

From my journal in the hospital:
“The Divine Masculine/Father and Divine Feminine/Mother are principles, NOT people. We make them people so we can relate and it makes it harder to relate and causes separation. The Creator is not anything we can imagine. The Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine together make up the Creation Principle, a force that we can co-create with. A force we have direct access to. It is a part of us and we are a part of it. It is a Universal Consciousness without limitations. How do we grasp that we were created by a creative force, a commingling of principles, energies, frequencies, vibrations and things we can’t understand. In trying to understand we have created separation with The Creator, with our selves and between each other. Everyone one of us contains both masculine and feminine and by embracing that we bridge the chasm, with in us and between men and women. “

This is my journey and it continues….



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