The longest journey you will ever take IS the 18 inches from the head to the heart. It took me 31 years!
A heart attack got me where I needed to go, quicker and more efficiently than I could have ever gotten there myself…if I ever did.
We are lauded for our our intelligence but not for our ability to love. I am both intelligent and psychic. I could figure out, dissect, analyze, deduce, determine and ponder like a pro but I could barely feel my feelings because it wasn’t safe for me to feel them or safe for other people if I expressed them.
The “New Age” movement teaches us to bypass our feelings, move up the emotional scale as quickly as possible and always think positive thoughts because “Thoughts become things” for heaven sake! How perfect that was for someone who was afraid to feel! It is actually perfect thinking for a society that doesn’t want to feel.
I didn’t want to feel the hell I was going through as I was going through it and I wanted to forget that it had ever happened as fast as I could. I remember going through therapy and talking about my life as if it were a movie I had seen, disconnected and unemotional.
By doing this I missed the juicy, messiness that is part of the human experience. Life is a mixture of heaven and hell, of grace and struggle, of joy and disappointment, as it should be. It is not about pretending that only heaven exists and that everything is A “okay”.
A few days after I got out of the hospital I was talking to my friend Della and I said “I know it is me talking but I am listening to someone else.” She agreed. Last night I was talking on the phone with my son’s girlfriend and she said ” Do you know who different you are? You don’t even sound like the same person you were before the heart attack.”
It’s true. I can’t hear myself as different anymore because I have integrated this change over the last 3 months but I feel the difference. I even look different.
I am living in my heart. Words and thoughts sound different from that space. I have made the 18 inch journey. I am feeling the feelings, every juicy, messy, happy, lovely, difficult one of them! In the midst of all of it I feel peace, I feel joy, I feel love and I feel safe. Safe is a feeling I didn’t feel much before.
I am not afraid to be authentic, I am not worried about what people will think, I am not worried about what comes next. I feel that the Universe, God, My soul, higher self or what ever you want to call it has my back. That is freedom.
What ever you do, make that journey.
Find your heart and go live there!
Stop being afraid.
Find your true north….