I started shutting my heart down when I was four years old. I had a seizure and almost choked to death on my tongue and was in the hospital for several days. My mother didn’t come to see me. She hates when I tell this story but it had a big impact on me and who I am. It forced me into extreme independence so I wouldn’t need anyone’s help. It also forced me into an isolation that I felt even when I was with other people. Because of my age an inability to see what had happened any differently I created a story. Part of the story was that if my mother wasn’t going to take care of me who would other than me. The person I needed most when I was sick and scared wasn’t there for me and my 4 year old mind interpreted it as rejection.
When I was violated by my first love and almost lost my life again, I locked the door to my heart and threw away the key, so I couldn’t even find it. The pain was buried so deep that it was beyond my awareness. To my psyche, being in love meant death and I couldn’t risk it. Being alone was safer. Even though I was in relationships over the years it was never safe to open my heart so I always felt like I was alone. I learned about aloneness at the core of my being and discovered that it was okay. I learned to navigate the world with my mind, my intuition and my psychic abilities.
I spent my whole life desiring love and not wanting it at the same time and I never understood why it kept eluding me.When you are ambivalent it can be read in your energy field. Men could feel the protective field I had created whether they knew it or not. My heart was not inviting anyone in in terms of falling in love.
Years ago I had heard or read somewhere that we should become the person we wanted to attract so that we could be in a relationship with our equal so that is what I did. I stopped being in relationships that didn’t work and focused on me. All of the personal growth and transformation was my path back to me, to my true self, my beauty and my loving heart. I had been dancing my way back to my heart, without even realizing it had been broken. I found me and fell in love. Yet the love of another kept eluding me and I wasn’t sure why.
I had forgotten that I had closed the door to my heart so I wouldn’t die because of love…That truth was still hidden in my cells. This kind of wound is hard to discover no matter how much work you do. I got close many times but never really found it.
A couple of weeks before I had the heart attack I made a proclamation that I wanted to live from my heart. You know when you make a proclamation everything that doesn’t match it has to go. The thing I had left to do was to open my heart and that is what happened!
This is why I am so grateful for the heart attack. It broke open that door, when nothing else would. Ironically the kind of heart attack I had is known as “broken heart syndrome.” It was named this because many people died very soon after losing the love of their life either to death or divorce. They literally died of a broken heart.
In my case it worked in the opposite way. I was brought back to life through the breaking of my heart. It wasn’t intended to kill me or cause permanent damage to my heart, its “soul” purpose was to open my heart to love. Now I am looking through the eyes of my heart and the world looks completely different! I see love everywhere.
All of my life I have said, “when I grow up I want to be 4 years old”, and now I understand why. These last two month, though painful, have been my return to love and I am metaphorically 4 years old again. I have come full circle. I have returned to that child, the true me, whose heart was open, in her love, compassion, innocence, vulnerability, authenticity and wonder and I am excited to explore my new world.