I understand completely why people avoid us when we are sick or struggling, why long time friend who you talked to a few times a week stop calling, why some make up stories so they have a reason to make us go away, why people want to fix you or offer solutions when all you want is to be heard, be held, be listened to and feel love and compassion. I get it, no one wants to feel uncomfortable if they can avoid it.
I understand because it makes us feel our own vulnerability. We don’t want to hear about it. We don’t want to feel what that person is feeling we want it to go away. We don’t know what to say. We don’t even want to think about what they might be feeling because it means something uncomfortable or painful could happen to us, because it does at sometime in our lives.
We want to believe that unicorns poop rainbow ice cream, frogs turn into beautiful princes ,ugly ducklings always turn into swans and there is always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But guess what, butterflies don’t always pop out of their cocoons and live happily ever after. Who wants to experience the other side of life? The not so pleasant side of life. I sure don’t…but I have and I am right now! It won’t kill me!
Where are my unicorns, frogs, swans and rainbows when I need them? No where in sight, damn it!
Real life can be messy, painful, ugly and just plain frustrating some times. How do we handle it or not is the question. Sometimes life is a challenge, or a string of 9 rapid fire challenges in a month, like mine is right now and we just have to waffle through. In those times we need other people the most and ironically other people don’t want to be around us.
I had no idea when I decided to share my journey back to wellness on social media all of the hell I had to go through, how messy it would be, how never ending it would seem. I tried to stop writing about it but it just felt important to continue so I did.
I can tell you from personal experience that what is happening to me right now is:
1-Painful, sad, frustrating and not fun. I want it to be done because it isn’t fun for me to experience it either. I get it. I would rather be eating chocolate bon bons on an exotic island some place where it is warm with a great guy. I am no fool!
2-It is leading me to something amazing and because I have been sharing it with people as it unfolds, you will get to see that amazing thing happen and understand how incredible it is because you saw where it came from.
If I had kept my mouth shut this miracle would not have the same magic when it does happen.
How do I know for sure something good will come of this? How do I know that anything will come out of this at all?
I know because I have not been squeezed, turned inside out, striped down, pushed into so many corners and experienced rejection as much as I have this last 30 days, in a VERY long time!
My soul would not waste such and alchemical moment as this without sharing something amazing as a result. It just doesn’t happen that way in my world. I don’t go through so much shit only to find a locked down at the end. There is always a blessing. Always.
This feels purposeful. It feel like the culmination of 30 years of deep work and I can feel something big coming right around the next corner.