When Falling in Love means Death

 

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Yesterday was Easter, I spent the day alone, recovering from a heart attack and feeling deep sadness.  It was a very hard day for me…

I had a different kind of heart attack.  It is called stress-induced cardiomyopathy. It is not your typical heart attack, but caused by a stressful incident, in my case a fire.  This kind of heart attack is also known as “Broken Heart Syndrome”, which is not a surprised to me.  My heart was broken 31 years ago when my marriage almost killed me.  I remember waking up in ICU and the first words to my husband were “I want a divorce”.  My husband at the time was surprised and thought it was drugs talking, but it wasn’t.  I left the marriage soon after.

I remember thinking when I came out of anesthesia that if I was still alive , there must be a big reason and it wasn’t to be in a miserable marriage.  There was something I was here to do.  That was the wake up call that put me on the path to discovering my authentic self.

Stress-induced cardiomyopathy can happen even when you are healthy during a stressful incident, but I think mine was really a reflection of a long incident of heart break.

At some unconscious level I must have made a commitment to protect myself at any cost and put an energetic shield around my heart.  Somewhere in my psyche, falling in love again must have equaled death.  I know I felt I was protecting that wounded woman I was at the time.  And even years after she was heal…I unknowingly was protecting her!

All my life I had known that there was a kind of love that two people could have that was conscious, evolving, deeply loving and expansive and real and I continued to search for that, not only in myself but in a partner who shared those qualities.  I felt connected to someone, somewhere who loved me just as I am, who was whole and complete like I would be.

That love eluded me and I didn’t understand why.   I had several relationship early on after my divorce, but always chose the wrong kind of men.

Obviously because my heart was shut down.  After a while I just quit and decided to focus on finding me. I have done years of self development and consciousness raising to get where I am today.  I have dived deeper into myself than most people are willing today.  I had become the woman I wanted to be.

Yet love has eluded me…

My Journal:

It is Easter Sunday, my re-birth celebration- my broken heart is healing.  For 31 years my heart has been broken and I didn’t even know it until 5 months ago when I discovered it through my personal work.

My heart wants my heart mate!  I can’t be without him any more.  I can’t protect myself from what I have wanted all of my life.  I am so sad right now.  Sad  for holding back for 31 years.  It seems like such a waste! Being alone all of these years.  Sad, Sad, Sad…

Why has life been so hard?  Why so many challenges? I feel like I missed out! Maybe I will never find him because I have held back.  What if I messed up because I protected my heart for so long.  Maybe it is too late and I will be alone forever. What about that!  All this time alone and maybe I ruined my chances.

What if I missed out? That would be the saddest thing.  But I couldn’t do it differently.  It had to play out this way and I will just have to be okay being alone if I waited too long.  It is the path I am on right now.

I might have stayed in my protective cocoon too along and I might have missed out on the experience of true, conscious love for the sake of protecting myself.  How sad is that?!

I have noticed since the heart attack that I am in my heart, my voice is coming from a deeper place in me.  Obviously something has changed for me to be so public about my pain!

Aside from finding love my other big desire was to be able to live from my heart, express my authentic self and speak from a place of love.  So maybe it has all been worth it just for that experience…

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