Transformational Space Feels Like the Dark and There is NO WAY OUT!


Becoming conscious can be dark and painful, I know because I chose a life where becoming conscious was a main focus.

About 7 weeks ago I went down a deep rabbit hole due to a lot of intense planetary influences.  I am very connected to the earth and the cosmos so what happens on this planet and beyond impacts me deeply.  I have always paid attention to astrology because I know it has an impact on us, though I think the impact is different now than it was when the system was created.  Depending on how certain planetary event align in your natal chart you will either be blessed by the event or be pushed to look at yourself in a new way.

Trust me when I say that going down a rabbit hole is not my favorite things to do.  It is intense, painful and very uncomfortable and when you are in that space there is a strong sense of finality.  You feel like it will last forever.  The reason this space is so powerful is because it forces you to look deeply at yourself and uncover what is hidden, that is no longer serving you.  It is NOT FUN!

When this particular one began it started after waking up from a dream.  A dream that made me very angry.  I was so angry that I fired all of my guides, decided that all the  new age, metaphysical stuff was not only fluffy but a bunch of crap!!!  I was in a place where I couldn’t believe anything that I thought I knew was truth. I felt stupid for ever thinking I understood anything!!! I didn’t talk to anyone for almost a week.  Both of my kids found me in this space and were very concerned.  I had pretty much had it.

I felt like I was in the dark and I was being squeezed.  I won’t go into the details of what was happening to me because those transformational spaces are sacred ground.  I was in this space for seven weeks.  At one point I thought I had emerged with a deep understanding, which I did, but wham, I was taken down yet again.  It was the same issue but a different layer of understanding would emerge.

Today as I write this I am back in the light and it has a different feel to it.  I am filled with possibilities and see all kinds of potential that I couldn’t see a few days ago. It sounds terrible and it was. I swore A LOT!  That is a rabbit hole and that is what becoming conscious feels like.


I first heard the term “Going down the rabbit hole” in the movie What the Bleep Do We Know.  In the movie they challenged us with the question “How far down the rabbit hole would you like to go? ,using Alice in Wonderlands journey to demonstrate. From my seat in the movie theater it seemed like an adventure.   In the movie the rabbit hole in question was about how much new information about the universe and quantum physics could you take in and still feel sane.  This is one form of rabbit hole.

Exploring your personal depths is another. It is wise not to confuse the story book version of a rabbit hole with the slippery kaleidoscopic vignettes one encounters when slipping down the rabbit hole of your own psyche.  It is one thing to read about doorways into other dimensions of consciousness or see them in movies, and quite another to actually risk entering their depths.  Diving into your own personal rabbit hole feels like you are imploding in on yourself.  You temporarily lose sight of who you are.  I know if you have never been in this space it might be hard to comprehend what it feels like but those of you who have been there know exactly what I mean.

My mission is to know myself, to become more conscious which results in my being as authentic as possible.  I can’t avoid diving into my depths if I want to get there.   Fear will not allow you into the rabbit hole, nor will a tenacious hold on a belief system.  Both of those will keep you from allowing yourself to fall into the abyss of self.  You have to feel your fear and go anyway for the sake of your awakening.

Rabbit holes are only for the passionately curious, for those who are not so tied in and connected to someone else’s answer that the forgot what the question was long ago.  Rabbit holes are definitely not for the faint of heart.  The essential nature of a rabbit hole is to unravel.  What you experience upon entering one will not only blow your mind, it will strip you of all sense of personal identity.  Trust me, being in the dark and not knowing who you are is frightening and it is the reason that keeps most people from exploring their depths.

We humans are amazing creatures and yet most never know this because they haven’t dove into themselves to discover how exquisite we really are.  We are Alice in Wonderland, when she fell down the rabbit hole.  The fall into the dark is very long and very scary but once she landed on solid ground she discovered treasures!


Think of yourself as a new seed that has been planted.  We are always planting new seeds of possibility for ourselves.  In the first three stages of grow the seed is in the dark, germinating.  It is just like being in the rabbit hole because dark is dark no matter where you find it.  You can see what is going on around you.

It is scary and you don’t know what the right direction is. Once the seed begins to grow is slowly emerges from the ground.  It begins to see that the light has returned.  And finally it is above grown and grows into a beautiful flower.  Self discovery is like that.  You go into the dark, you discover your treasures and emerge as a beautiful new flower.


I understand the transformational darkness because I have explored it for many years.  I know how intense if feels but I am not afraid of it because I know what is on the other side.  This is not to say that I am comfortable with it or that it isn’t messy when I am in it.   It is both uncomfortable and messy!!  But I chose to explore it because it means that I am getting closer and close to my authentic self, my soul and to living and authentic life of joy on this amazing planet.



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