Doctor on My Wrist

170739“The Inner Physician is active and engaged in every moment directing traffic within your body, making sure you body is working to the best of its ability withing its given environment.  It takes care of the body functions, with or without our help or the help of a medical professional.  When we work consciously with it rather than unconsciously against it, miracles happen.  We will know when it is time to work in conjunction with our doctor to heal our conditions and we will know when we should us alternative methods…Tapping into this energy we discover lost parts of ourselves and access higher wisdom.

When the Inner Physician is engaged, a union occurs between the soul, heart, mind and Creator, so that they can work together to maintain homeostasis.  In partnership with the Inner Physician the power to return to wellness is strengthened. The more at ease we are at the idea the greater our chances for true health to occur.  As we see and experience the power and potential that resides within the body, many of the fears we have carried regarding our health, fade away.  We see that we can have an active role in reaching health and wellness and we are empowered to take the steps. When you realize that the Inner Physician is working for you at all times, you will know that you are never alone in this pursuit for health and well-being. The key to self-healing is learning to trust this intuitive part of you.”

Empowered Health and Wellness: Awakening Your Inner Physician by Katelyn Mariah

Another term for the Inner Physician is Somatic Intelligence.  Somatic Intelligence is an integrated intelligence of the body, mind, emotions and spirit.  Somatic Intelligence is concerned with developing your capacities for:

  • Centered presence
  • Resilience
  • Handling pressure under stress
  • Awareness and mindfulness
  • Working with energy
  • Wellbeing
  • Tapping into the body-mind intelligence/intuition

Somatic intelligence represents an intersection between the practical and profound.  It is an invitation into a deeper alignment with our innate intelligence/Inner Physician.  This intelligence brings about a self-sustainable new order of functions from these three fundamental characteristics: It is self-sensing, self-organizing and self-renewing

Somatic Intelligence can be learned by reading about it but the deeper learning and connection comes from experiencing it. I learned it from within my own body and consciousness.  The willingness to pay deep attention to the inner wisdom and movement of your body is a fully sufficient teacher to move you into a state of utter wholeness and aliveness.   But we are not taught how to do that.

Everyone needs to learn to tap into this innate intelligence.  This is where our truth is found.  The harmony created between our partnership with the Inner Physician/somatic intelligence is what creates miracles. The miracles I have experienced recently and int the past have happened when I have been in co-creation with the Inner Physician.

Do you know how to tap into your Inner Physician?

This is why I am so EXCITED about the HELO: Health and Lifestyle Oracle, because it is a wearable device that helps us get in touch with this intelligence.  It helps us create coherence by monitoring our health and vital functions. What looks like a watch band is helping us communicate with our Inner Physician in real time.  It is a mobile health and wellness monitor that it like having a doctor on your wrist, only this doctor knows everything about your body.  This is an invaluable tool for well-being for anyone whether you have health concerns or not.

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The HELO LX is a breakthrough wearable technology, one of the most advanced lifestyle monitoring technology on the market today.  It empowers you to learn about what is normal for your body, make you more aware of your body, and what it needs and helps you avoid issues before they happen and gives you peace of mind!  This device has everything other lifestyle trackers has plus BP, Heart Rate, Breath, Mood, Energy, Real time EKG/ECG and soon will have Blood Sugar monitoring and Blood Alcohol.

Do you want to start a relationship with your Inner Physician?

Discover Helo will give you the details

We are powerful creators!

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For a few years I have taken issue with the theory around the Law of Attraction because it feels like something is missing and there is a lot of spiritual bypassing in it.

The other day I heard a quote that has me pondering if this is part of what is missing.  It goes something like this,  Everything you are experiencing now is because of what you asked for.  To me that is different than thoughts become things. Here is why…

A few days before I heard that quote I wrote this question in my journal ” why would someone create the experience of having 3 heart attacks in ten months ” which I had done.  Some people told me it meant something was wrong with my thinking. Others often solutions of food and supplements I might try. Others just felt sorry for me.

Then I heard the quote Everything you are experiencing now is because of what you asked for.  It’s like the concept of sending out rockets of desire but it landed differently inside of me.

On March 8 2016 I did a ritual on the Eclipse, which astrologically was a powerful one for me.  Two of the things I asked for were Supreme Health and Wellness and a conscious partnership.

On March 20, 2016, the Spring Equinox, I had the first heart attack.

One of the things I learned early in this heart journey is that my heart was shut down because of earlier life trauma. Trauma I had worked on many times over the years. What remained was hidden from me at the cellular level.

Cellular memory is hard to reach. Which meant it was pretty much impossible for me to have supreme health and a conscious partnership.  My desire for both was strong and the universe was listening and took the most efficient way to open my heart…heart attacks.

This is a different twist on the Law of Attraction where thoughts become things. I wasn’t thinking about having heart attacks. I was thinking quite the opposite. It was confusing because simplistically the Law of Attraction says, negative thoughts become negative things and positive thoughts become positive things.

Accordingly id something bad happens you created it by what you were thinking. There is a lot of shame in that.

If my positive intentions to have supreme health and wellness and a conscious partnership created three heart attacks because that was the pathway to get there, that’s a great thing! It’s nothing to be ashamed of. The universe chose the most effective and efficient way to clean up and clear out what wasn’t in alignment with my intentions.

AND now I am in a space where I can magnetize them because my heart is open and returning to wellness!

Create Your Own Natural Heart Bypass

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This information blew me away!  Just the possibility that something like this can happen got my imagination going.  I made up my mind then and there that I was going to grow one to bypass the stent that couldn’t be opened.

Before having a heart attack, I had never heard of the heart’s little collateral arteries. In fact I only learned about them after having a stress test, after the second heart attack.  I was frustrated with the idea that doctors wanted to go back into my heart because I was having chest pain.  I started researching and stumbled upon the first of many articles about natural bypass.

Collateral arteries are small, normally closed arteries that, in times of dire need, such as a blocked coronary artery that leads to a heart attack, can wake up, open wide, and enlarge enough to form a kind of detour around the blockage, thus providing an alternate route of blood supply to feed the oxygen-starved heart muscle. Do-it-yourself bypass surgery!

When cholesterol-clogged plaque narrows an artery that feeds the heart, the body responds by trying to bulk up tiny blood vessels in the heart. As these so-called collateral vessels grow more muscular and interconnected, they begin to reroute some of the blood flow around the blockage. Scientists have been trying for years to nudge collateral blood vessels to develop and prosper, but without great success. However, you can do it at home without anything more high-tech than a comfortable pair of shoes, reports the Harvard Heart Letter in its January 2008 issue.

Growing new collateral blood vessels can ease chest pain (angina), limit heart attack damage, improve survival rate. Exercise dramatically increases blood flow through the coronary arteries. The inner lining of the arteries responds to this “stress” much as it does to the stress of atherosclerosis, by stimulating collateral blood vessels to elongate, widen, and form new connections.

My research said that a little bit of exercise wouldn’t do the trick. I read that you need to push your heart. If you aren’t used to exercising, that may mean brisk walking. Any activity that gets your heart beating faster will do as long as you keep it up for 20 to 30 minutes at a time and do it several times a week It is a great way to prevent Heart disease, Hypertension, High cholesterol, Diabetes, and Migraines, and studies show that it can help some people with narrowed coronary arteries safely avoid bypass surgery or angioplasties.

In response to endurance exercise training, such as running, bicycling, swimming and hiking, blood flow is increased.  This leads to a conversion from capillaries into collaterals.  This is treatment that anyone can accomplish.  It reduces the chances of the occurrence of angina pectoris, myocardial infarctions, and death.

Beyond the interventional, surgical and medical treatments against coronary artery disease, which can have serious side effects, collateral training is a natural and valuable therapy that many patients can apply themselves once they are aware of the possibility.

When you do aerobic exercise the blood flow is increases and the inner layer of vessel cells (endothelial cells) sense this necessity and start the process of forming new arteries called “collateral vessels”. In response to endurance exercise training blood flow is increased, which leads to formation of collaterals. Small bypass vessels which act as a ‘back-up system’ for the heart’s main arteries play a significant role in reducing the mortality of patients with coronary artery disease, according to new research.

There is an actual therapeutic process that they can do that uses compression on your legs and this pressure is supposed to make your heart work harder. It is called EECP which stands for enhanced external counterpulsation.

This safe, noninvasive therapy is often called a “natural bypass” because as it dramatically boosts circulation and increases blood flow throughout the body, EECP also stimulates collateral blood flow. Collateral arteries are small blood vessels that, in the presence of insufficient blood supply, open, enlarge, and create a detour or alternative pathway for blood to flow around blockages in major arteries. Collaterals are truly nature’s coronary artery bypass, and EECP helps open them up. Over time it can force your heart to create a natural by pass.  It takes six weeks and you have to go in for treatment every day.  That was way too much work as far as I was concerned.

After reading the research I had a follow-up visit with my primary care physician.  I wanted to see what she had to say about this idea and even though I thought she might think I was crazy I asked the question.  She reached over and grabbed my treatment plan and started drawing a picture for me about how natural bypass can happen.  I was stunned that she knew and that she was telling me about it!

The following day I saw my chiropractor and was talking to her about the chest pain, stress test and the small blocked artery I had that couldn’t be opened when I was in Austria.  The first thing she said was “you don’t have to worry about that you are going to grow new arteries to compensate.”  This was without any prompting from me or talk about the research I had found.

I brought this subject up to my Naturopathic Doctor in a phone call and she agreed that it was very possible and said that information usually doesn’t trickle down to physicians.  I learned later on that 4 people I knew had experienced this happening to them.

I think that if doctors and the medical profession can be patient with our healing and not jump immediately to stents or bypasses there is a huge possibility that our hearts can and will create natural bypasses.

All I needed was the collaboration with my doctors that it was possible to grow a natural bypass and I made up my mind to do it!  I even announced on Facebook that I was going to. There wasn’t any evidence that I had a collateral artery forming when I was in Austria in August.  It was in November that I decided if it was possible, I would make it happen. I didn’t give it much thought after that.

When I went in for the intake interview for Cardio Rehab after the third heart attack in January 2017 the rehab therapist was talking to me about my stents.  He pulled out a report that had a drawing on it of my arteries and where the stents were placed.  He looked at it and said “Oh, I see you have a collateral artery.”  I said “What, I grew one!  I wanted to do that!!!”  I was jumping for joy inside.  He looked at me and said no one had ever said they wanted to grow a new artery in his office before.  I said “That is because they don’t know that they can!”

I did it! I grew a natural bypass.  How awesome is that?

Here is my before and after.  There was no evidence when I had the heart attack in Austria that this was even starting to happen.

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There is a lot of articles written about this on line and I encourage you to do research for yourself.  You will also find several other interventions beyond exercise that can assist the body in creating natural bypasses.

Moving from Madness to Miracles!

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I had a stress test yesterday to find the origin of my chest pain.  I am told by my chiropractor that it is my ribs but my cardiologist wants to make sure it isn’t my heart.

The treadmill was cranked up to a 16% incline and 3 miles an hour and I was holding on for dear life ask I kept up the pace. My pain was a 10!  I wanted to stop but I stayed with it because I wanted them to have the best idea of what was going on in my heart if anything.

My heart wasn’t happy but it was strong.  It kept beating…

As the hospital cardiologist was talking to me I went someplace else after he said the test was abnormal.  He said it could be coming from the small branch stent that they couldn’t open in Austria or it could be new blockage.  I heard both of those things and my mind went into confusion.  This is the kind of answer that always drives me crazy because it is nebulous and not definitive.  He couldn’t tell me for sure what was wrong and said he didn’t have a crystal ball.  Thanks dude!  I wanted you to have a crystal ball!  It would make things so much easier for me.

I left the hospital defeated. This wasn’t the outcome I was expecting.  I was expecting good news.  As I was driving I raised my hand in the air and shouted “Who the fuck can I trust?” I was angry. My inner guidance, which is a wiser part of me, had told me my heart was strong and healing and not to worry, so I didn’t.  My inner guidance had told me this all along.  Now this doctor is telling me the test was abnormal and there was something wrong and he wasn’t sure what it was.

I drove to the studio my daughter manages, because I needed someone to talk to and I knew she would be a good listener, she always is. I told her I wanted to give up, that this was too much and I didn’t want them digging around in my heart again! I just couldn’t do this any more.

I told her that my guidance had told me that my heart was strong and I was fine.  She said, ask yourself. I said that is myself!!!

I blubbered and cried and said things a 4-year-old might say, because that is where I go when I am scared.  She listened to me while managing the studio from the hallway.  I blubbered while she signed for a package from UPS, while her boss handed her the phone for another phone call, while people came in and out of the hallway.  I just cried and didn’t care who saw me.

As the day progressed I could feel myself feeling better, more calm, as this ball of thread unraveled. The theme of the year has been “Who can I trust if I can’t trust myself?”  My inner knowing is about 99% accurate yet when it comes to personal information I often question it as though it was 1% accurate!!  My inner knowing is my heart wisdom and my heart wants to be heard! It has been shouting at me for 9 months and giving me lessons in trust. Trying to flip the switch to 100% total trust, where it should be.

Socially many of us are taught to go to worse-case scenario.  I often heard “don’t get your hopes up” when I was a kid.  That’s crazy, what’s wrong with having high hopes.

I kept asking “How can I trust my guidance when the test says something else?” Other people who are highly intuitive told me my heart was strong and wasn’t going to block again. My heart told me the same thing.

The question took me deeper.  And then it came to me, I was given two possible options and I had latched on to the worse-case scenario not what I already knew to be true. I was getting guidance from everyone including myself that everything was okay because it was! I knew that the small stent was still blocked.  The doctor in Austria said it wouldn’t have an impact on my life expectancy so I shouldn’t worry about it, but it could cause me pain.  He had given me a medicine for that and when I went to the Cardiologist here he said I didn’t need it.

I traced the pain back to soon after the second heart attack, when I was pulling my suitcases through the airport.  I thought that was just part of the healing process.  This pain eventually got mixed together with the rib pain that I was having.  It had gotten better since I stopped lifting weights so I assumed my ribs were healing.  But there was still that incline by my house.  Not to steep but still caused me severe pain.

This pain and the abnormality on the Stress Test ( which they should rename by the way) couldn’t be a new blockage in the repaired stent.  That would me that it closed back up right away.  That wouldn’t make sense and it was getting better not worse.

This brings me back to TRUST!  My inner guidance and the guidance of others was right.  My heart was doing great.  It wasn’t going to block again. I had so much going in my favor that it wasn’t possible that I was going backwards.  The blocked stent was already part of the healing heart process. My body was learning how to accommodate it.  This is what I have to trust because thinking about it in this way brought me a sense of peace and calm.  It brought me back to love and gratitude, the energy that creates miracles.  The energy that my heart wants me to be in.  I have created miracles many times from this space in the past.  I can do it again!!! And I will do it again!

 

Courage is my Default Setting

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Courage and bravery are my default setting.  They haves been since I was four years old.  They get turned on when I am in threatening situations.  Instead of getting scared I get stronger, more alert, funny and peaceful.  It is not a way to avoid my feelings, it is just my strong suit.

I have gotten through the last eight months because of my courage and stubbornness.  Damn it! I wasn’t going to let 2 heart attacks get me down.  There was a benefit to all the courage and bravery because they didn’t get me down.

I went to see the movie: Arrival, last weekend.  I went by myself, forgetting that movies often trigger me. If there is something inside me that needs to release, a movie will trigger it!  The movie Arrival did that.  I began to feel anxiety during the trailers and it built from there.  Don’t get me wrong, this is an amazing movie that everyone should see but it held my trigger.

I don’t think I will give anything away by saying what it was.  Watching the crew trying to communicate with the aliens.  They didn’t have the same language and they had to figure it out.  It was painstaking and frustrating.

Watching that catapulted me back to the six days I spent in the hospital in Austria where 95% of the staff and both of my room mates spoke German.  I got in touch with all of the feelings that my strength and bravery put a lid on.  My default feeling is not a way of avoiding what I am feeling but a tool for survival.

Suddenly watching the movie I felt the fear, frustration, sadness, anxiety and feels of being trapped in a situation where I had no control and had to surrender to that.  I felt like my heart was going to explode and it was painful and intense.   It was coming out whether I liked it or not.  At the end of the movie I couldn’t get out of the theater fast enough.   I made my way to my car, called a friend and blubbered my way through a conversation as I hung my head over my steering wheel and cried.  I felt a myriad of feelings for several days and then they were gone.  It felt like a turning point in my healing…

Not being me

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I never felt like I belonged.

I spent many years trying not to be who I am so I would fit in.  It wasn’t that I was being fake, I hid myself by being quiet and observing, looking for safe places where I could open up.  I kept my real self hidden, afraid to let people in because I was different. I think differently, I am ultra-creative, my mind is very open to new, unusual and “out there things”, I rebel against authority, can’t stand the status quo, I hate when people say things about me that aren’t tru, I get bored easily, I know things I shouldn’t know, I can see 360 degrees around a problem and come up with a unique and perfect solution and so much more.  What would people think if they knew that?  It took a long time for me to let people get a glimpse of me and it was only a handful of people.

What a sad social program fitting in is! We will never feel like we belong. How can we if we are not in touch with our authentic self. People can’t connect to something that isn’t real unless they are pretending too. But that isn’t true connection.  We aren’t socialized to really connect and be authentic. We are socialized to be the same, fit in so we can be acceptable.

Its still happening. I see it happening to my grandson in school. Sit still, be quiet, don’t disrupt or we will put you at a table facing the wall. We will make you stand out for being “bad”. They say “No” to his “yes” and take away his power because he I’d different. He is a creative spirit, like I am and like his mom is and that doesn’t fit into the school program.

I have been pealing back the layers of “not me” for many years, putting my toe in the real water to see what happens. It’s scary at times but I do it anyway. People who I thought were friends have left because me being real means they have to be real too. They liked the quiet, pretend me better I guess.

Finally my heart said no more! Enough playing by the rules and hiding. You must be real to save your life! Your authenticity will create the life that you have dreamed about. The real you is magnetic to other real people and the real things that make your heart sing.

So since the heart attack I have been transparent about the good, bad and ugly and it has been scary, but the more I am my authentic self the fear has faded away. Yes, I have been misunderstood , and people have walked away and that is okay. If people don’t like me they don’t belong in my life. What they think about me is a reflection on themselves . We are deserved to be loved, respected, listened to and heard and accepted and honored for who we are and that has to start within. From there it will ripple out and come back as a reflection outside of you.

When you fit in and belong to yourself you can fit it and and belong to others.

Let’s be Real.

 

My Personal River Styx

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As a visionary artist my paintings are often prophetic.  This one was painting in Ibiza, Spain and at the time I wasn’t sure of its meaning. 4 months after I painted it I began a journey on my personal River Styx that started with a heart attack. (You can read some of my blogs about it here.)

A simple understanding of this painting is that it is Psyche floating in a chrysalis on the River Styx toward the moon.  She moves gracefully over the souls of the dead who lost their lives in the river. I understood the image to mean it is possible to float gracefully over perilous waters when navigating the darkness with light.  The light and dark create balance and she is able to find her way.

In the story of Psyche and Eros she has to complete 4 almost impossible tasks in order to win the favor of the Goddess Aphrodite who was jealous of her and wanted her to die. The last part of the story, in which Psyche has important tasks to fulfill, shows the making of her Self. The third task was to go to the mouth of the River Styx where it entered the underworld and fill a crystal vase with water.  Through death, which is an organic and symbolic part of life, she is born into eternal life by undergoing tests, purifications, death, resurrection, and ascension.

In Asteroid Goddesses, Demetra George says that Psyche archetype is connected with psychic sensitivity, especially towards the mind and feelings of another, but also with being able to feel and communicate with nature.

The river Styx (“the river of hate”) was the boundary between the Earth and the Underworld. It separates the realm of the living from that of the dead. To touch the water is fatal, yet the Styx is the river of life and psyche is learning that she must meet life patiently and carefully. Mythologically the River Styx is the river of life and death.  Its raging torrents are the source of human creativity and vitality.  It could be seen as a symbol of the collective unconscious.  Psyche’s task is to draw from its plrimordial waters only those energies that are appropriate for her emerging individuality (ego self) symbolised by the crystal goblet.

On her path, Psyche is now integrating the archetypally masculine energies symbolized by the eagle: a solar bird of consciousness. The only way for Psyche to complete the task is to not only listen to her feminine self but also subordenate her self to the masculine spirit of the eagle/Zues. This symbolizes the union of the masculine and feminine and how working together gets the task done.

“Eagles are the opposite energy to the energy carried by the river Styx: thus this labour entails the unification of opposites. In connection with eagle symbolism, Cirlot shares an interesting thought in his Dictionary of Symbols: “… the constellation of the Eagle is placed just above the man carrying the pitcher of Aquarius, who follows the bird’s movement so closely that he seems to be drawn after it by unseen bonds. From this it has been inferred that Aquarius is to be identified with Ganymede, and also with the fact that even the gods themselves need the water of the Uranian forces of life.” The higher Aquarian waters of pure understanding are juxtaposed with the murky, toxic waters of hate flowing in the Styx. Both streams reflect the mysteries of Life and Death, as the whole myth of Eros and Psyche does.”

Zeus’ eagle now comes to Psyche giving her an overview of how to go after what you need, how you avoid the dangers, keep your eye on the prize, and go for it. The eagle takes the crystal goblet. It returns to give Psyche the goblet, now filled with Stygian water that she was to get for task three. One would say that at each step Psyche has learned something new. The eagle, has the ability to see what it wants and plunge from the sky to grab it in its talons. That ability to see the overall picture, to see the forest but not each individual tree, is a way of being in the world.  The masculine focus and action combined with the feminine intuition and creative thinking forms a balanced union of the energies, which helps her complete this difficult task.

In my journey to heal my heart I was very aware of the energies of death, especially after the second heart attack which had a 1% chance of happening.  I felt like I was floating on both the waters of life and the waters of death in a very delicate juxtaposition. My task was also to integrate the masculine and feminine energies within myself so that I could live a balanced and authentic life.

At times when I was focused on the idea that I might die I had to rise above those feelings like and eagle and get a higher prospective otherwise I was overwhelmed with anxiety. My task was healing and anxiety didn’t help me with that task.  I had to draw from the life giving waters remembering that I had the vehicle to float gracefully above that waters of death that seemed to be pulling at me.

There is so much more to that painting and so many more connections that could be made but that is a taste of how I see it as being prophetic for my journey and how the information I get is often ahead of what happens in the physical world.

 

It Takes a Village

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Feelings and emotions serve a purpose.

As far as I am concerned feeling what you feel and expressing that is key to healing.  That includes all of the feelings and especially when dealing with life threatening illness such as a heart attack.

Statues quo says talk about the successes and keep the challenges to your self.  Don’t think negative thoughts about what is going on or you will create more of that. We love to hear that our friend who has cancer has blood counts improving or they are gaining weight. Or our friend with a broken leg just got their cast off. All of that is awesome!

We can get behind progress and cheer our friends on!

It is harder to hear about the challenges. People who are sick know that, so they do share and often they suffer in silence and when the pain gets so bad they stuff the feelings away. When they need support the most they shrink away from it to protect people’s feelings.  We NEED to express this stuff too, and we need to feel heard and held.  Express and it will move through you.

We fear that people will think less of us if we express negative feelings!  That is very sad to me.

Behind the scenes I have felt fear, anger, depression, betrayed and all sorts of feelings mixed together. I know that hiding them is not healing for me.

Those who have been with me on this heart journey from the beginning know that I made a commitment to share it all. The good, bad and ugly. My purpose in doing that was to normalize the process. To help others know they are not alone. To give people permission, if you will, not to suffer in silence. I share this process in totality because I know that it works because I have done it before.

In share my healing process I have discovered where my real support is and that has healed me. I was surprised to discover which people dropped out of sight as soon as I got sick.  People who I had always supported stopped talking to me.   I have grown through my transparency which hasn’t always been easy.  People misunderstand what I am doing, some get uncomfortable, some can support in easy, gentle ways and it is my hope that I have role modeled another way to come back to wholeness.

It takes a village…thanks for being mine

 

Who or What is God?

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This was the greatest gift I received from the second heart attack, an expansive opening to the Divine Masculine and Feminine.

I was raised Catholic as a child. I remember laying on the ground looking up at the sky and taking things away thinking, what if there were no trees, no birds, no sky, no earth, where is God if everything is gone.  It made no sense to me.

I was taught that God was a man, with a white beard and white robes who sat on a throne and all of us souls knelt in front of HIM and worshiped Him for eternity.  Even as a child that sounded really boring to me.  I was the only girl in my eighth grade class who didn’t want to be a nun.

God was a foreign concept to me.  He was a man who wasn’t very compassionate, was domineering, judgmental and punishing.  I remember when eating meat on Friday meant going to hell.  That didn’t seem like a loving God to me.

When I was 14 I decided that I felt closer to God sitting in a tree so I dropped out of the Catholic church. My father who was a convert to Catholicism didn’t speak to me for 3 months saying that I was going against the establishment.  I really wasn’t, I was just following my heart.

I have been trying to figure this out all of my life!  My disenchantment with the church made me resist organized religion.  Most religions are based on a Male God and that didn’t work for me.

In the early 1990’s I started painting The Goddess. (You can find the story in my book Empowered Health and Wellness: Embracing the Inner Physician)  I will briefly describe the experience.  I had been sick with a sore throat for several months and a spontaneous image came to me which I realized was The Goddess.  I painting 44 images that became a meditation deck called Awaken the Goddess.  It was a way to explore the Divine Feminine within.

Now we have the Goddess Movement, which leaves out God. Bringing back the Goddess who has been hidden for 2000 years.  But the Goddess has been with us all along.  We don’t need to bring her back.  She is here and so is God.  They can’t be separated!

My connection with the Goddess energy was a beginning but it still created a separation of the sexes.  The masculine and feminine were not seen as united in the understanding of God.  We had gone through the Women’s Liberation Movement and that made the separation even stronger.  Women began blaming men for all of their problems and saw men as flawed.  I could never understand women complaining about men all of the time.  They didn’t understand that their complaints were holding men hostage energetically to the very things women didn’t like in men!  The chasm of the sexes widened and we became independent and didn’t need each other.

I was trying to move away from separation and separation was being re-inforced.  I started painting my understanding of the Masculine Principle and the unity between Masculine and Feminine and painted about 60 images.  I still didn’t feel connected to what it meant.  It was still images of people and that didn’t make sense to me.

The New Age movement had a hand in shutting down my connection with God even further, because of the masculine connotations of God and because according to the movement ” we have everything we need within and to reach for God meant dependency. God was male and there wasn’t a female component.  I tried to believe that I had everything I needed within me and had conversations with my ” Divine Inner Genius” but began to realize this was just me putting total reliance on myself.  I didn’t need anyone, not even God because the New Age Movement said I didn’t.  I could hold out my hand and say “om” and what ever I visualized would appear in my hand, right?I

I had the first heart attack in March of 2016.  I realized that my heart was closed down, I was protecting a part of me that no longer needed protection and I had become ultra-independent.  This heart attack opening my heart to love for myself and others that I had never experienced.  It also balanced the masculine and feminine within me.

In August of 2016 I was in Austria doing a month long painting seminar when I had a second heart attack. I was in the Emergency Room when I realized I had opened up to the Mother/Father God and was having a conversation.  These conversations continued while I was in the hospital for 6 days and still continue.  The energy from the conversations and the information I receive is like nothing I have felt before.

I realized that the second heart attack was meant to open my heart and balance the Masculine and Feminine in a sacred way, with the understanding that I am part of something greater.  I am still trying to understand this but I do understand the the first heart attack was the integration of the human masculine and feminine principles and the second heart attack was the integration of the Divine Feminine and Masculine Principles.

From my journal in the hospital:
“The Divine Masculine/Father and Divine Feminine/Mother are principles, NOT people. We make them people so we can relate and it makes it harder to relate and causes separation. The Creator is not anything we can imagine. The Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine together make up the Creation Principle, a force that we can co-create with. A force we have direct access to. It is a part of us and we are a part of it. It is a Universal Consciousness without limitations. How do we grasp that we were created by a creative force, a commingling of principles, energies, frequencies, vibrations and things we can’t understand. In trying to understand we have created separation with The Creator, with our selves and between each other. Everyone one of us contains both masculine and feminine and by embracing that we bridge the chasm, with in us and between men and women. “

This is my journey and it continues….

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